self whatever.

I've been awake for 30 hours straight now.

The design project presentation went well.

Thank you for scolding me many times at work today, where I'm still at right now. Wow! I feel so good!!!

I just want to lie on my bed and doze off. Maybe I'd see John in my dreams.

DESIGN PROJECT whatever.

WHAT THE *&^&$^#%T$*()#+)_8()&(&^&^^$%#%$&%*#$&@&#%^*)&+(*+)*(P_((&^&*#$&@#@$*(^%(&)*()_*)+)%$#@##@#^&^%^%^%%^*%%&*^)&*)(*&*&&(@#@&*!!!!!!!!!

Lord. Please. ='(

Same old, same old

Maybe I'm really not supposed to be blogging right now because the *bleep* of a group mate that I have demanded a lot of things for tomorrow (but that's for another story, which I don't really need to tell coz my patience still has not reached its limits yet).


It's just that I can't NOT write about the following. It's quite..spooky. Haha. And interesting. Until now my uncle is still a joker, like he used to be.

A while ago I was very early at church (Wayne's). So I just sat there at the lobby and tried to call people so I could chat with whoever while waiting. I tried my father's, mother's, brother's, both my sisters', and John's number (not necessarily in that order though hehe), but nobody picked up, probably because they were in a place with no signal, or they're doing something, or whatever.

Hmm so anyway after church, when I got back to my room, I heard my phone ringing. Actually it was a very faint ring, and I was even trying to remember whether I adjusted the volume or not, because if I hadn't listened properly I would have missed it. I looked at my phone screen and there was no number reflected. I thought it was probably John (but maybe not, coz I know he already said goodnight before that), or maybe my mom or my dad. So I picked up the call and heard my mom's voice, but she wasn't speaking to me. It was like she was talking to someone else, then suddenly the connection was lost. So I dialed her number and tried to call back, but then it said "The subscriber cannot be reached". I then tried to call my father. When he picked up, this was our conversation, more or less:

Me: Were you the ones who just called?

Papa: Sorry, we haven't been able to return your call yet because I left my other phone at home. This one can't be used to make a long-distance call.

Me: But someone called me. Is mama with you? Please ask her if she called me.

Papa: No, she didn't call you.

Me: But I heard her voice. It's like that, like her voice now on the background.

Papa: But no, she didn't...

Me: Huh? So who called me???

Papa: Maybe your Tito Ebio (my deceased uncle).

Me: PAPA!!! I'm gonna punch you if you joke like that!!!

Then the connection was cut off again.

After a while my parents called back again, and we resumed our conversation. They insisted that they just got home from the wake, and they really didn't call me because they left their phones at home. My mom has just gotten hold of her phone that time, so it wasn't possible for her to call me earlier that day. Then she explained why they think it's really my uncle who did it, because he's done something similar to them. He didn't call them, but he sent text messages. The number reflected was my sister's, the time reflected when the message was sent was always 3:52 for all three phones (mama's ,papa's, and my cousin's), but containing very different messages. I mean, how could my sister compose 3 different messages and send them all at the same time. And some more, she was at class during that time and she denies having anything to do with those messages.

The message my father got was "Pa, please fetch me right now", allegedly from my sister. When my father got to my sister's school, she was surprised because she wasn't even ready to go home yet and my father's already there. She denied having sent such a message.

The message my mother got was "Ma, I cannot find any beach attire". Then my mom questioned my sister about the message, and again she denied composing such. Then when they were comparing the messages and the time, my cousin quipped that my other cousin got a message allegedly from my sister also at 3:52, saying "We still have an exam".

Now they were already suspecting some paranormal activities happening haha. My mother tried to decode what each message meant, and she theorized that for the first message, my uncle is trying to tell my father never to forget to fetch my sister at school again.

For the second message, it has something to do with the beach he owns, which we always use for family gatherings and parties. My sister just had her birthday last week, and they had a party at the beach. My mother never got the chance to thank my uncle for letting us use his beach every time, and she even talked to him at the wake and told him it's okay if he shows up as a spirit, and she won't be scared, just so she could thank him personally. Well, he didn't show up, but he sent her a text message, which is probably his way of saying 'welcome' or 'it's alright'.

Erm, I haven't really talked to my cousin to ask her about the 3rd message hehe.

I then asked my mother what the mysterious phone call I got meant. Then she said, it's probably my uncle's way of reminding me that even if my mom doesn't always return my calls or messages, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or anything like that. Maybe she really just can't talk at that moment, but nevertheless I am always loved by her. Haha coz I used to get offended easily before. I'd think my mom doesn't have time and I'd feel bad and stuff. Hmm okay, now I know better. Thanks tito. =) But please don't show up or anything like that okay...hee.

My mother told me that they're doing okay. They are actually joking around at the wake, because that's how my uncle was when he was still alive. He liked to do pranks and stuff. And yeah, that's one thing I love about my family, we laugh as a coping mechanism.

Well, I guess that's his way of telling us that wherever he is right now, he's happy. I'm glad.=)

Okay..blogging hiatus until the end of my design project, which is this coming Friday!!! So help me God. Woohoo!

Death

My design project woes now all seem immaterial. I got a call from my father a while ago, and I immediately sensed that his voice failed to hide his heavy heart. I learned that his brother, my uncle, had been shot to death at 4am today. Four fatal shots took his life away just like that.

I remember getting a similar call from my sister almost 4 years ago. She was crying when she told me my grandfather's been stabbed to death at his house.

Why is the world so cruel? It seems that people are so fond of killing my relatives. It's so fun is it????

It makes me angry. Angry with the heartless criminals who did these things. It makes me scared. Scared because the things I see on TV about people killing each other is now in real life, and there's no stop button or rewind button or that one that you use to flip the channels. The nightmare has become a reality.

If you ask me what my greatest fear in life is, it's losing the people I love. I admit I am not very close to my grandfather nor to my uncle, but I care for them enough because they're my family and I've shed tears because of their passing. They were proud of me...hmm...especially my uncle. Every time I'm back home, and I'd see him, he'd always greet me "How are you Miss Singapore?". He was very proud of the fact that he has a niece studying in one of the best universities in the world, and he'd always make it known to people. He'd introduce me to his friends that come over, and it made me feel very special. He'd engage me in intelligent conversations in front of family members, and would ask me thought-provoking questions. I never really told him that I appreciated him for putting me in his league of "the smart ones" like himself. Now I would never be able to.

I can't imagine the pain my aunt is going through right now. She's left with three small kids to care for. When I say small, I mean really small. Really young. Gosh...

If there's anything positive in this whole situation at all, maybe it's the way my father is dealing with his loss. When he lost his dad, my grandfather, he could have been very angry and just send those suspects straight to jail, because the police were pretty sure those bastards did it anyway, and my family had access to power that could make them rot in jail for the rest of their lives. But there was still a very small doubt, a very small possibility that maybe the suspects were not the ones who really did it. He explained to me that if we wrongly convict those people, what about their families? He still had compassion in his heart despite everything. He's just leaving it all to God, believing that justice would be served - if not in this life, then the next.

And now, some cold-blooded murderer has taken his brother away forever, and he called to ask me to pray.

Sometimes, I really don't understand why things like this have to happen. If it happens to other people, you'd think, "Oh, God must have a reason. It just had to happen to fulfill his perfect will, his grand plans, which is not actually to harm us but to prosper us...". Yeah it's true, I believe in my heart all those things, but you can't deny the person his right to acknowledge pain, anger, confusion, and doubt in His promised love and protection.

Anyway, last time, I wished my grandfather's killers would die a slow and painful and horrible death too. But that's not the way God would want me to react. I am trying my best not to harbor angry thoughts anymore. I surrender this situation to God, and I pray for strength to my family members who are suffering the most from this loss. I hope they can see past this trial. I pray that they'd never lose hope.

Design Project volume 10000000000

Yesterday (and the first 4 hours of today) was one of the most stressful days of my life. My group mates and I finished our group meeting at around 3:30 AM.

Yeah lor, 3:30 AM and I am still in one of the benches in engin, stressing my brain cells out in calculating the axial forces and buckling resistances and whatnot of our proposed strutting system design. At the same time I was feeling very angry because we had to stay out late, because of the cut-throat competition in class, and because of the stressful nature of life in Singapore in general. I mean, yeah, no wonder Singapore is so progressive and booming and everything, a great feat for a country that's just a puny dot on the world map...but to the expense of its people having an onerous means of living. Everything is fast-paced, that sometimes I feel if I try to stop and smell the roses, I'd get run over by people going about their lives in the fast lane.

Anyway, we had our second presentation a while ago. That's why I found some time to blog, because my group mates and I are trying to catch our breath after all the rush before the presentation. It didn't go well though, and it was even disastrous. Yeah, even though we meet everyday to discuss. Even though we worked very hard. But it's okay, the professors were very understanding, because they can see our efforts despite the fact that none of us has taken any structural steel design modules before, which would have taught us all the basics in what we're designing for. So basically it's self-learning from scratch, and in one week's time. (Last week was for the geotechnical part, and for that we did well).

While presenting, it was apparent we were doing very poorly. We were the last ones to present and the groups before us presented stuff that we didn't even know should be included. So even before our turn we already knew we were going to "die". Surprisingly, the supervisors didn't scold us nor demean us. They were very sympathetic actually hehe. After we presented I wanted to cry because of Prof Phoon again, but this time it's because I'm very touched by his genuine care and concern for our group. He is really the bestest best mentor I've had here in NUS. Really.

Hmm. One funny thing about this design project is that the supervisors in charge actually thought we didn't have any other classes apart from this. The revelation came when one of them overheard my friend ask another classmate whether he has finished his assignment for another class, then the supervisor suddenly exclaimed "HUH? You have other classes apart from this???" Then we were also shocked and said "Of course!!!". Then he was like, "I thought they suspended the other classes until after your design project is over?"



WALAU. WHERE GOT SUCH THING MAN????

Anyway, now we know why they make our life so difficult like that. And now they know why we are so stressed.

Oh yeah, yesterday I felt bad for my groupmate too, because when she told her overprotective sister she will be coming home late because of the project, she was asked "IS THAT YOUR EXCUSE FOR STAYING AT *boyfriend's name* HOUSE TONIGHT???".

Hmm, so stressed already then got accused somemore. Then she began screaming her head off while arguing with her sister on the phone. Then her sister called my other group mate to confirm about the project thingy, and so my other groupmate had to convince the sister that yes, we are in fact really working hard on our project while she's having unclean thoughts about her younger sister who's already under so much pressure . Inevitably, my groupmate burst out crying because her family doesn't trust her, and probably because we still had a lot of things to do and it was already very late.

Anyway. Yeah, life is full of drama and tears nowadays because of this thing. Everyday when I wake up I'll ask God for strength to get through the day, else I might just snap haha.

And yeah. Good thing there's John. =)

You make my heart explode with happiness

I miss you. But I know you are worth the wait.

Prof Serious-But-Friendly

WOW I am sooooo touched. I opened up my mail and right on top was a heartwarming email from Prof Serious-But-Friendly. Never in my life has any lecturer/ teacher emailed me about anything apart from admin matters.



Wow beneath that facade lies a golden heart eh...

*sigh*

WOOOOOOOW.

=) now i am more motivated to do very well for our design project. =)

design project-induced tears, volume 2.

Finally, a night without having to meet for design project. But that is because both my groupmates are also my classmates for another module, and we have an assignment due next week, so we've decided to do that first.

Something remarkable happened a while ago. I missed the design project briefing again because I was working at SELF (yeah I'm doing a part-time job at the Self-access English Learning Facility, aka SELF, at school). I rushed to the structural lab, and when I entered, it was right when Prof Male-Chauvinist-Pig was adjourning the briefing. So anyway, wow, too late for me. I felt bad, coz yesterday I missed it too, and I'm concerned I'm giving them a bad impression about my commitment for this project. I mean, they do not know the tremendous amount of effort I put in coz they are not there when I try to run the software and analyze stuff until 4 or 5 in the morning, or my input when my groupmates and I have a discussion. It's just that I am working some days of the week, and it's only for 3 hours at most per day. But the thing is, my working hours coincide with the project briefing time slots. AND THE PROJECT BRIEFING TIMESLOTS only came out AFTER I've committed myself to working at SELF, so I'd also have to answer to my boss there if I don't show up at work.

I raised this concern with Prof Serious-But-Friendly, but then he replied something like I owe him some points now coz I'm always not there. This just made me feel worse, thanks very much. I mean, I am working my ass off and have become zombified because of this, but they don't know that, so they think otherwise.

Well, I felt my cheeks burning and a lump on my throat was starting to form, so I excused myself out of the room and sat by the stairs outside, and well I just broke down and cried a river. I was just very tired, and I felt unappreciated. Apparently, I was crying quite loudly and Mr Kind-Lab-Technician stopped by and offered some tissue. I sort of shoo-ed him away and insisted I was okay. Well, he went away, but told the people in the room about me so my groupmates came out rushing to see if I was alright. They said they thought I'd fallen off somewhere or what, coz the way the lab technician told them, it was like I was seriously hurt. And our structural engineering lab, it looks like a warehouse where goons in the movies kill each other, that kind of thing.

So anyway, my groupmates tried to console me and reassured me that they don't think I'm lazy and stuff, and I'm really grateful for them. While we were having this session, Prof Serious-But-Friendly also passed by and saw my tear-streaked face. Then my groupmate told him it was his fault I'm crying haha, then he said sorry. He added that I must not take things too hard.

Well I am really just like that. I cry whenever I face temporary setbacks. It's my way of releasing all the negative energy that's inside of me, or else I cannot cope. And somemore his joke wasn't very funny and I am just super stressed these days.

Well anyway, this thing is gonna be over soon.

Now I'm going to the library to do my transportation planning assignment. What a great way to spend a Friday night.


PS

I REALLY MISS MY DAYS AT THE GRAND CANYON. It's super different from this kind of (non)life.

4:30am with eyes wide open

It's 4:30 am and I am still grappling with my part for the design project presentation that needs to be finalized later today.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not getting any sleep until after my lesson ends at 9 pm later tonight.

It feels like exam period on the second week of the schoolyear.

Random blah.

On the edge


Reaching for the prize

why i am sandslob

Stylo Milo is my desktop wallpaper.



God must have spent a little more time on you.

9088 miles.

It's funny how you greet me goodnight coz I'm about to sleep when I greet you good morning coz you're just about to go to work.

Design Project

Expletives galore.

*(&Y*%TE&^#W&$WT^$Q%$W$Q@Q@#@#%$W%#()*()*&^%*&$^%^%$#$@#$!$#@$#W$%EI*)(*&&^&*%$%$^%$#$^#$%^W^%$#%$^&%^U^U&*U*&^%^%&^%$^%$^Y&%^R&%$*&*&*_)_+_++)(**^^&%$#$@@#@#$#@@#@##@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Design project. Wow, I didn't expect I'd already be burnt out by the third day of the schoolyear. Coz of the very short duration of this module, the supervisors expect us to focus on this module alone until it's done. Like, please-ignore-your-other-subjects-and-put-aside-your-FYP-for-now kind of thing. This afternoon, we were proudly presenting what we have so far to our prof, but sadly for them it's not good enough. He even asked us, "Why only this? You didn't work last night?" NIGHT. Yeah they expect us to work day and night.

Mind you, I drag my sleepy body out of bed and into school, inside the lab, at 8 or 9 am, stay there and do design project work until until until until until we die la. I mean, it's already 10pm+ and I just got back you know. Then I'd still have to do some more design project work before I go to bed.

MADNESS, can????

Oh yeah, so while at the lab, my sanity almost reached its limits. My head was already pounding while showing our prof what we've done using the software and how we've come up with the design parameters and stuff.

Anyway. 4 weeks less three days more to go. I think we are progressing too, so that's good!

And yeah, thank you God for every ounce of strength and for every source of happiness you provide me. I appreciate it.

Why?

Of all people, I didn't expect you to be against us.

First Day Funk

Well well well. First day of the school year, and already bombarded with work.

I have a 4 MC module that I thought would be for the whole semester, but was SHOCKED to find out it would be over after 4 weeks. Yeah lor, 4 months became 4 weeks!!!

But it's the best way to go about doing it, the prof explained, so that we'll be discharged from that module asap and we'll get to concentrate on our FYP for the rest of the semester (and the rest of the year).

Of course there'd be a trade-off for this express module. We'd have to work on our Design Project everyday, until night, even during weekends. That's what the prof said, and he wasn't even kidding.

My design project name is Structural Support System for Excavation Work, and I don't know what the *bleep* it's asking for. Until my groupmates and I approached our prof after the lecture, that is. During my younger years here, when we're tasked to do design projects, my heart would pound and my brain cells would exterminate themselves, because they'd rather commit suicide than be slaughtered (I got that from Daphne haha).

But now, I've decided to take the proactive approach. Instead of letting fear of failure from taking over, I've decided first and foremost that this project can be done, and it can be done excellently. I admit that the first time I saw the project description, and even during the whole introductory lecture, I was blur as the most blur I can ever get. So to make things clear, my groupmates and I made our way to our prof's office, befriended him, and clarified stuff. That proved to be very helpful, and a very smart thing to do. Haha.

My group is the flower among the thorns. One of our supervisors decided to pit us girls against the boys, so our group is all-girls, while the rest of the class has all boys in them. There's only three of us anyway. But it had some perks too, coz one of my groupmates has this natural ability to do the doe-eyed look while requesting for our guy classmate to photocopy the relevant books and papers for us, for which he readily agreed to do. You go, girl!!!

I find my other class for today very interesting too. I think there are only 3-5 of us undergraduates, and the rest are all post-graduates probably doing their Master's or PhD. They all look old and married and matured haha. Some were late because they had to come from work, which is also why our classes are held in the evenings. It's just fun because they know a LOT of stuff, naturally, and I get to learn from them. I'm surprised that I am not even bothered if they skew the class grading curve to their advantage, because I know I'll benefit too just by being and learning with them. They are more pro-active, they talk more, they're not afraid to say something that might be wrong in class. Maybe it's because of their work experience, and that they've been out there in the real world, so when they're back in the classroom they're more relaxed and less afraid to share what they know.

Anyway, tomorrow at 8 I'll be meeting with my groupmates for the design project.

BRING IT ON BABY!

Now that I've seen the big picture

I just realized,

God loves me soooooo much.

At this very moment, if it weren't for an unexpected turn of events, perhaps I wouldn't be here writing this post. Perhaps I would be distraught, contemplating about the cruelty of this world, while holding on to the safety rails on the edge of the roof of PGP. Or perhaps I would have jumped already.

But no. God knew this was coming, that this had to happen, and He knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if He didn't do something. Something I totally wouldn't have expected. I mean, I was happy, I was content, I was looking forward to more happy moments like it had been before I left. Why mess my perfect life up? Why make things complicated? No matter how much I resisted, it kept on pushing its way back. I was confused. I felt guilty. Why are you allowing this, Almighty?

Had I known the big picture beforehand, I wouldn't have been so melodramatic. Now all is well. It's perfect.

God gives, God takes away, God gives something better. MK. =)

Because of you

I not only ate my words, I choked on them.

Happy

I'm free.=)

And what an ironic twist to this story. It wasn't even hard at all.

Thank you for giving me a chance to love you. But it just wasn't meant to be. Take care, and goodbye.

It's funny how life works

Four months ago I thought everything was going perfect, and I couldn't think of going about my life other than the way I had then imagined it to be. It's funny how one trip halfway around the globe could seriously alter the whole course of my life.

please.

TAKE ME BACK TO GRAND CANYON!!!