Sa Araw ng Pasko

This song is for my family.



Okay, I tried to sing along but I choked on my tears halfway. Not because my voice is so horrible, but because the lyrics have never been so true for me until now. This is the first Christmas I will be spending away from home, away from my family. It more than sucks.

I've always been grateful for every Christmas spent with my family. We've always been complete, until this year that is. December has always been the only time of the year when everyone's home, because for the most part of the year, I am in Singapore, Dimple is in Manila, Paolo is in Davao, and I'm really glad my father has already been assigned to General Santos (my hometown) so he could be with my mother and YC, our youngest.

I remember last December, we've finally decided to go to a photo studio to have a family portrait professionally done for the first time. However, the studio lost our photos for some reason. The management offered a refund for the fees but my mother still got super pissed (which is understandable) because my sister already flew back to Manila and I was also leaving for Singapore, and we would have to wait for another year until all of us will be complete again and be able to have a family picture. But since I am not going back this December, I guess we would have to wait a little longer to have that photo taken.

Right now this is the only family picture I have, which is already quite outdated coz my hair is back to being pin-straight again.

My final year project is the reason why I'm going to miss Christmas back home. My supervisor already told me as early as August that this would be the case. I didn't believe her at first, but eventually as I learned the scope of the project and the expected input from me, I realized why I had to stay here.

I would have been completely miserable having to go to the lab everyday instead of relaxing and bonding with my family (and the fact that the rainy season in Singapore falls on December does not help at all). But God is good, as always. I'm really glad and thankful that John's coming over here to spend Christmas with me:). So there's something to look forward to:). I would have wanted it even more if I could go home and introduce him to my family...but oh well, I guess I would have to wait for another time.

At the back of my mind I know I will be missing out on a lot of things by not going back- like the Global Gathering (I don't know when the next one will be), the youth concert, Missy's debut, and other stuff. But I gotta do what I gotta do, and well my high school director have always told us that Happiness is a choice.

I won't mope during Christmas, I will be happy. Yeah.

Advanced Merry Christmas everyone.

Happy Birthday Mama:)

Homesick

I miss my family.

Papa looking very repectable haha.



Mama. Sexy!


The couple and the third party: Dimple and I bugging our ex-future-boyfriend Filipino celebrity Marc Nelson for the umpteeenth time.


My self-proclaimed macho brother at my uncle's beach.


Paolo, YC, and the love of her life Spongebob Squarepants.

I love you mama, papa, Dimple, Paolo, and YC. Can't believe I haven't seen you guys for the looooooongest time.

***

I have to catch up on schoolwork because the recess week has...lived up to its name.

Same old, same old

Maybe I'm really not supposed to be blogging right now because the *bleep* of a group mate that I have demanded a lot of things for tomorrow (but that's for another story, which I don't really need to tell coz my patience still has not reached its limits yet).


It's just that I can't NOT write about the following. It's quite..spooky. Haha. And interesting. Until now my uncle is still a joker, like he used to be.

A while ago I was very early at church (Wayne's). So I just sat there at the lobby and tried to call people so I could chat with whoever while waiting. I tried my father's, mother's, brother's, both my sisters', and John's number (not necessarily in that order though hehe), but nobody picked up, probably because they were in a place with no signal, or they're doing something, or whatever.

Hmm so anyway after church, when I got back to my room, I heard my phone ringing. Actually it was a very faint ring, and I was even trying to remember whether I adjusted the volume or not, because if I hadn't listened properly I would have missed it. I looked at my phone screen and there was no number reflected. I thought it was probably John (but maybe not, coz I know he already said goodnight before that), or maybe my mom or my dad. So I picked up the call and heard my mom's voice, but she wasn't speaking to me. It was like she was talking to someone else, then suddenly the connection was lost. So I dialed her number and tried to call back, but then it said "The subscriber cannot be reached". I then tried to call my father. When he picked up, this was our conversation, more or less:

Me: Were you the ones who just called?

Papa: Sorry, we haven't been able to return your call yet because I left my other phone at home. This one can't be used to make a long-distance call.

Me: But someone called me. Is mama with you? Please ask her if she called me.

Papa: No, she didn't call you.

Me: But I heard her voice. It's like that, like her voice now on the background.

Papa: But no, she didn't...

Me: Huh? So who called me???

Papa: Maybe your Tito Ebio (my deceased uncle).

Me: PAPA!!! I'm gonna punch you if you joke like that!!!

Then the connection was cut off again.

After a while my parents called back again, and we resumed our conversation. They insisted that they just got home from the wake, and they really didn't call me because they left their phones at home. My mom has just gotten hold of her phone that time, so it wasn't possible for her to call me earlier that day. Then she explained why they think it's really my uncle who did it, because he's done something similar to them. He didn't call them, but he sent text messages. The number reflected was my sister's, the time reflected when the message was sent was always 3:52 for all three phones (mama's ,papa's, and my cousin's), but containing very different messages. I mean, how could my sister compose 3 different messages and send them all at the same time. And some more, she was at class during that time and she denies having anything to do with those messages.

The message my father got was "Pa, please fetch me right now", allegedly from my sister. When my father got to my sister's school, she was surprised because she wasn't even ready to go home yet and my father's already there. She denied having sent such a message.

The message my mother got was "Ma, I cannot find any beach attire". Then my mom questioned my sister about the message, and again she denied composing such. Then when they were comparing the messages and the time, my cousin quipped that my other cousin got a message allegedly from my sister also at 3:52, saying "We still have an exam".

Now they were already suspecting some paranormal activities happening haha. My mother tried to decode what each message meant, and she theorized that for the first message, my uncle is trying to tell my father never to forget to fetch my sister at school again.

For the second message, it has something to do with the beach he owns, which we always use for family gatherings and parties. My sister just had her birthday last week, and they had a party at the beach. My mother never got the chance to thank my uncle for letting us use his beach every time, and she even talked to him at the wake and told him it's okay if he shows up as a spirit, and she won't be scared, just so she could thank him personally. Well, he didn't show up, but he sent her a text message, which is probably his way of saying 'welcome' or 'it's alright'.

Erm, I haven't really talked to my cousin to ask her about the 3rd message hehe.

I then asked my mother what the mysterious phone call I got meant. Then she said, it's probably my uncle's way of reminding me that even if my mom doesn't always return my calls or messages, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or anything like that. Maybe she really just can't talk at that moment, but nevertheless I am always loved by her. Haha coz I used to get offended easily before. I'd think my mom doesn't have time and I'd feel bad and stuff. Hmm okay, now I know better. Thanks tito. =) But please don't show up or anything like that okay...hee.

My mother told me that they're doing okay. They are actually joking around at the wake, because that's how my uncle was when he was still alive. He liked to do pranks and stuff. And yeah, that's one thing I love about my family, we laugh as a coping mechanism.

Well, I guess that's his way of telling us that wherever he is right now, he's happy. I'm glad.=)

Okay..blogging hiatus until the end of my design project, which is this coming Friday!!! So help me God. Woohoo!

Death

My design project woes now all seem immaterial. I got a call from my father a while ago, and I immediately sensed that his voice failed to hide his heavy heart. I learned that his brother, my uncle, had been shot to death at 4am today. Four fatal shots took his life away just like that.

I remember getting a similar call from my sister almost 4 years ago. She was crying when she told me my grandfather's been stabbed to death at his house.

Why is the world so cruel? It seems that people are so fond of killing my relatives. It's so fun is it????

It makes me angry. Angry with the heartless criminals who did these things. It makes me scared. Scared because the things I see on TV about people killing each other is now in real life, and there's no stop button or rewind button or that one that you use to flip the channels. The nightmare has become a reality.

If you ask me what my greatest fear in life is, it's losing the people I love. I admit I am not very close to my grandfather nor to my uncle, but I care for them enough because they're my family and I've shed tears because of their passing. They were proud of me...hmm...especially my uncle. Every time I'm back home, and I'd see him, he'd always greet me "How are you Miss Singapore?". He was very proud of the fact that he has a niece studying in one of the best universities in the world, and he'd always make it known to people. He'd introduce me to his friends that come over, and it made me feel very special. He'd engage me in intelligent conversations in front of family members, and would ask me thought-provoking questions. I never really told him that I appreciated him for putting me in his league of "the smart ones" like himself. Now I would never be able to.

I can't imagine the pain my aunt is going through right now. She's left with three small kids to care for. When I say small, I mean really small. Really young. Gosh...

If there's anything positive in this whole situation at all, maybe it's the way my father is dealing with his loss. When he lost his dad, my grandfather, he could have been very angry and just send those suspects straight to jail, because the police were pretty sure those bastards did it anyway, and my family had access to power that could make them rot in jail for the rest of their lives. But there was still a very small doubt, a very small possibility that maybe the suspects were not the ones who really did it. He explained to me that if we wrongly convict those people, what about their families? He still had compassion in his heart despite everything. He's just leaving it all to God, believing that justice would be served - if not in this life, then the next.

And now, some cold-blooded murderer has taken his brother away forever, and he called to ask me to pray.

Sometimes, I really don't understand why things like this have to happen. If it happens to other people, you'd think, "Oh, God must have a reason. It just had to happen to fulfill his perfect will, his grand plans, which is not actually to harm us but to prosper us...". Yeah it's true, I believe in my heart all those things, but you can't deny the person his right to acknowledge pain, anger, confusion, and doubt in His promised love and protection.

Anyway, last time, I wished my grandfather's killers would die a slow and painful and horrible death too. But that's not the way God would want me to react. I am trying my best not to harbor angry thoughts anymore. I surrender this situation to God, and I pray for strength to my family members who are suffering the most from this loss. I hope they can see past this trial. I pray that they'd never lose hope.