sos

dear God please help me, i just want to disappear right now

Gratitude

Dear God,

Today I was just reminiscing those moments throughout the course of my life that made feel grateful because I have you. I remember I was a worrywart even at a very young age because of the crime news I'd see on prime time TV. Every night before I go to bed I'd do the rounds of checking whether all our house doors are securely locked, as well as the windows. But even that is not enough to vanquish horrible thoughts of masked men breaking in and harming us, just like in the news about this family earlier on TV. But I'd be reminded of what the chapel time teacher told us, that I could always call on you whenever I'm scared. So I'd imagine you being in our house, specifically in the bedroom I share with my siblings, as well as in my parents room (the teacher said you could do that because you are what she called 'omnipresent') and guarding us, together with an army of angels. Then I'd feel safe and fall asleep. The next morning in school, the teacher who would lead the flag ceremony would pray and say "Thank you Lord for the good night's rest", and I would mean it with all my heart.

That time when I was 9, we were traveling from my hometown to Bukidnon to attend my tito's wedding, thank you for that Don Moen cassette tape which I think is the only thing we could listen to at that time, because Papa kept on playing it over and over and over and over and over again for 10 hours straight. That is where I learned what is now my all-time favorite song "God will make a way", which is also your promise I hold on to whenever I feel I'm at my rope's end.

When I was in my first year of high school and I was miserable because my family was undergoing financial difficulties, thank you for your providence and for helping us get through it.

Those times when I felt rejected, unappreciated, or alone, thank you for making your presence felt when I called on you. Especially that time at Synovate office and I was just crying my heart out at the corner of one of the toilet cubicles, and I whispered "God are you here? Please hug me." Thank you because I felt that you did, and it made me feel a lot better.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers that turned out to be doors for better things, or hardships that turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Thank you for being my father, my brother, my best friend, my buddy, my fortress, my savior, my redeemer, my God all rolled into one.

Thank you for never giving up on me even if I'm not always faithful and I've failed you trigazillion times already.

Thank you for the people who love me and for the people I love.

And most of all thank you for your love, for your grace that saves, for the peace that surpasses all understanding because of your presence, and for the joy of knowing you.

Lunch time conversation

Ok I still have like 8 minutes before my official SELF duty starts. And there's nobody around that I must entertain.

I was having lunch by my lonesome in Engin canteen, when I can't help but overhear these two respectable-looking NUS staff super absorbed in their conversation, what with one person's fist slamming down the table and whatnot. The first man was Northern Indian/Arab-looking, and the other one was Caucasian with a European accent.

I can only hear snippets of their conversation: God, Bible, ten commandments, thou shall not kill, Is God all-knowing?, 4000 BC, 2000 BC, western world, George W Bush, ...go and killing other people..., bible, thou shall not kill (again, I've heard this phrase the most number of times the whole time I was straining my ears to listen). All of these came from the Arab-looking guy with the Indian accent by the way. I cannot make out any of what the Caucasian guy was saying because he spoke too softly for me to comprehend anything.

Their plates were already empty when I sat at the table next to their's, but it seems like they're not going anytime soon even when I was leaving.

Okies, I have some real job to do at SELF now. Cheerios.

Gone with the Wind

I miss my passion in serving God. He used to be in the top spot of my priority list. I miss the warmth, the joy, the inner peace that living for Him everyday brings. I've had spiritual droughts many times before. I hate it every time. Maybe I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember, or at least called myself one, and once in a while there would came a point in my life where I'd wonder what if I lived my life differently. The Bible has super high standards and it's just so hard to keep up. I am not perfect, and I know I will never be in this lifetime, so why would I even bother.

Sometimes I'd try to put myself in the shoes of those who deny the existence of God. But every time I'd come to the same conclusion: I cannot detach myself from my belief that there is a God. For me, it's scary to think I am on my own, that I'd only be the one to carry the full weight of my problems. It's more outrageous for me to accept that the universe came out of nowhere, that there is no Divine Architect that created everything. It's disheartening to think that there is no afterlife, that there are no eternal consequences for each of my actions, because if that's the case then I might just as well bid farewell to this life whenever I feel like it. If not from God, where would I draw my hope and my strength, and from who else could I rely on for unconditional love?

God has always been faithful to me. It makes me sad when I can't do the same thing for Him, because there are times when I just don't feel like it. I justify that I own my life, and I'd do whatever I want with it. But whenever I veer away from Him, there'd always be a void that nothing in this world can fill. I find no satisfaction in pleasing only myself. I need God, I want to come closer, I want my passion back. I miss those moments when I'd want to do great things for God, no matter what.

But where is my drive? I seem to have lost it.

I Will Sing
Don Moen

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart


I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing


Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart


I will sing
I will sing


Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing