Sa Aking Mga Anak by Nanay Bebang

The following is a super-duper long letter by my biology teacher when I was a sophomore in high school. She's also from Pisay Davao and went back there to teach after finishing college. She's like one of those teachers you're really grateful you had.

I dug it out of my email archives because I needed to read it again, and I'm reposting it here so I could have easier access to it in the future.

Again, this is really super long, but if you're my batch mate and you can relate, go ahead and feel free to take in nuggets of wisdom from our Nanay Bebang. You might need it too like I do now.

F YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS LETTER REACH ANY OF THESE TITANS, PLEASE
FORWARD IT TO THEM. JUST BECAUSE... =) PLEASE. T.Y.

29 Mar 2007

my dear...
jeboy, rrramon, jamen, danny, bo-atz, niel, renja, 3rdy, kirbe, cy,
kj, mark,
myke, krish, nessie, korsi, tintin, joyce, kit, anghe, amie, clang,
jenni, eevee, pal, lez, alec, colette, aneth, emmapie,
josh, gino, gomez, valbuena, ymana, clydee, pops, pablo, jedi, daryl,
balag, eric, carl, jed, wilay, dick, gamalindus,
tippee, lea, aura, ivy, rutoot, kirth, erine, gis, rai,
jannah-melody- grace, merge, kaye, cha,
brix, pinote, dodo, law, sensei, ex, stephen, jc, janno, porras,
chucky, nelson, jap,
kai, jesa, cola, rose, jojang, deldz, paula, mena, katy, juls, chini,
nyin, sondz, K, jessi, mayang, anj...

hi. =) umm... surprise!? =)

i know it's very from-out-of- the-blue. .. but sa totoo lang, matagal ko
na kayong gustong sulatan. kasi...
well, alam nyo naman siguro na love ko talaga ang batch ninyo. all 90
of you. weird, no? although if you ask any of my baby brothers,
sabihin man nila na matagal na akong weird. and many of you know that
i'm weird anyway, so...
funny biya. kelan ko kayo last nakita na magkasama... sa christmas
party nung dec 2002 sa pisay? =) grabe no? mag-five years na? ganyan
na KAYO ka-tigulang. =P

masyado bang weird? or feeling close? kasi some people, i just texted
today. and some people... well, yun na nga 5 years na since last ko
nakita, tapos hindi ko pa gyud ka-close nung ga-teach pa ako sa pisay.
kaya lang, for me, i don't think it's weird at all.

na-watch ninyo ba yung movie na "V for vendetta". choy biya. medyo
violent and maypagka-philosophi cal and complicated, but if you can you
should see it.
anyway, as i was saying, sa start kasi ng movie na yun, yung character
ni natalie portman was talking about "V". sabi niya na some people
become important to a person because they become "ideas". because they
represent something even more important. =)
and well, for me, ganun yung nangyari. kayong 90 became the "idea" in
my head which i call my "mga anak". joke lang biya yun noon. pero joke
na naging true. which is usually the case for a lot of things we say
that we don't really mean. words have power, after all.
bakit kayo naging "idea"? well...

kasi, actually, nung college ako, i had a very bad experience. and i
was a horrible student. to the point na sinumpa ako ng thesis adviser ko.
i never talked about this because i didn't want to discourage any of
you. pero i hated being an MBB student. kasi dahil sa MBB,
nagka-mental breakdown ako.
i mean, that was how i felt by the time i graduated in 2000. ayaw ko
na sa manila. ayaw ko nang mabuhay. kung pwede lang, matulog na lang
ako forever tapos hindi na ako magising...
and that was actually the real reason i went home to davao. kasi i
wanted to get away from manila and to heal myself, especially my head.
tapos the only reason why i became a teacher in pisay was because it
was the only job i could get without needing to ask for a
recommendation letter from anyone.
funny, ba? wala ba sa itsura? or maybe you couldn't care less? as in;
"so what? na-unsa man ni si ma'am. hubog tingali." =)

no, hindi ako hubog or what. =) i'm perfectly sane. i'm actually on a
train from scotland heading for england, where i will be spending my
easter holidays.
"whoa! si ma'am, nasa UK?!" you might think. =)
yes, and believe it or not. each and everyone of you is part of the
reason why i finally made it this far.
and i still remember your names (didn't ask for help from anyone). ok,
so maybe yung iba, tinulugan ko muna before ko maalala. =) kasi i
remember you sometimes in groups and it's hard to distinguish sometimes.
but if i concentrate hard enough, i can even tell you your seating
arrangement in class. like those who like to sit beside the window and
get frightened by birds... hehehehe. or those who sit at the back and
do their "thinking" (snoring) in class. =) hehehehe.
i wonder if the people who did these things still remember. because i do.

anyway, bakit kayo naging reason? kasi...
before i became your teacher, akala ko talaga ako na yung pinakawalang
silibing person on the planet.
there i was with a totally useless degree, no one willing to give me a
recommendation letter, and i didn't even have an org or what when i
was in college.
tapos, you all came along. and you were all very kind to a mentally
unstable person. =) HUG.
serioso bitaw. i mean, i really appreciated the fact that of all the
batches in pisay, you were my first batch of students.
kasi... ga-complement ang personality ko sa inyo. kasi while i know
that some of you couldn't care less who i was, and some of you were
just being plastic and sucking up to me...
most of you were... how do i say this? you were REAL people. when you
asked me for help or advice, a lot of you sincerely needed my help.
and those who didn't ask for help, those who were just sincerely
lost... well, when i offered my help you welcomed it.
and that is why i love you all actually. no, not love in the sense
that i will marry you. yes, i am still unwed. but, no. i am not lesbo
or corrupting minors. =)
when i say i love you all. it means each one of you, individually, is
very important to me. important in the sense na kung may masamang
mangyari sa inyo, i will really cry. and it will hurt as much as if
one of my family was harmed. kasi nga, in my head, each of you is "my
anak".

anyway, that was the first time your batch saved me. when you were in
2nd year and i saw you everyday. and you believed practically
everything i told you in class. and you weren't cruel to me.
even when i couldn't reach the top of the blackboard or i would jump
around in class or use my operatic voice when i get mad.
and you even danced "you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals when i
told you to. and you sat on the grass with me when i said we would
have class there.
and when i told you dissect a cockroach, most of you went and did it.
=) and the ones who didn't, well, they know they didn't so... =)

the second time you all saved me was when i almost committed harakiri
the summer after i resigned from pisay. you were all going to become
seniors and i was going to LB to study. nag-tukar kasi ulit yung aking
pagka-unstable because of a problem in the family.
tapos, nung papunta na ako sa kitchen para kunin yung knife, bigla ko
na lang naisip... kung magpatiwakal na ako? ano na lang ang mangyari
sa aking "mga anak". so maybe some people might not care so much, but
i knew that it would be such a bad influence on all of you.
what kind of teacher would i be kung i will just give up on life? what
kind of example would that be to every one of you? so, ayun. hindi
natuloy yung harakiri, and i went to LB to do my MS.
this is actually the reason why i wrote letters to you when i was in
LB. kasi all 90 of you were my anchor. every time i had to do
something, isip ko talaga: i have to do it well, for my mga anak.
and then you all graduated high school and i was so relieved. and so
proud. i was really, really happy you all graduated OK.
i mean, yes, i know who wasn't able to march. but marching lang man
yun. and i think it was an annoying reason why someone would not be
allowed to march. but anyway...

i know that after that, i more or less lost touch with most of you,
except for the ones in bebang.
and it was kind of intentional. kasi... the truth is, by the time your
batch graduated from pisay, most of you were already more emotionally
mature than i?
yeah, ganun ako ka-weird. but it's really true. i didn't feel very
qualified to give you advice.
and also, i wanted you to experience college life your way. i wanted
you to make your own decisions for yourself, make your own goals, and
make your own mistakes.
yun lang yun. it wasn't because i didn't care anymore about what would
happen to each of you. it was because i cared too much, and i was
liable to interfere and give unsolicited advice. =)

pero every now and then, naaalala ko biya kayo. sometimes it takes a
song, or a movie, or wala lang. i'm in class, and then i remember
people sitting on the floor beside the platform, taking notes. =)
and i always pray for you. i mean, obviously i can't really pray
individually kasi masyado naman kayong marami and i have no idea what
you are up to or where you are. pero pray ko lang na you are all OK.
or if you have a problem, that you will eventually overcome it.
that's just the way it is.

and the reason why i'm finally writing now is because i know that the
first of you have just graduated. and that there are more to come this
year. and in the coming years...
alam ko kasi na from this point onwards, you will enter the real world
as real adults. which means that you will really be too old to hear
this already.
or, those na na-delay or nag-drop-out or nag-give-up will start to
doubt or hate themselves, which means that it will be welcome thing to
have me tell you this.

haba ng intro ng aking letter, no?

anyway, my dear mga anak, i just actually wanted to thank you. thank
you for being born and becoming my students in pisay when i really
needed to feel needed as a human being.
thank you for the times when you listened to me in class, took down
notes, laughed at my jokes, made me laugh, made me sing. thank you for
the times when you asked for my advice or help, especially the times
when you cried in my presence and it made you feel better.
thank you for the hugs, especially. alam nyo ba na before i became
your teacher i NEVER hugged people. not even my best friend. =) pero
your batch made me learn to give and receive hugs.
thank you for being my inspiration. dahil sa inyo, because of the
thought of all 90 of you, i gained enough self-confidence to apply for
things that i honestly wouldn't have thought of applying for.
kaya ayun. dahil sa inyo, i was able to do my MS thesis in AFRICA. and
i just finished classes for my 2ND MS in the UK. and i'm supposed to
do my PHD in europe later this year.
tapos naka-act na rin ako sa musical play sa CCP and nakasali na ako
sa dalawang creative writing workshops. not bad for someone mentally
unstable, no? =) HUG.

hindi biya ako nagapahambog. i'm just being, really really grateful
for your inspiration. and i want you to realize na your own existence,
as a group and as individual people, is a very, very precious thing.
without even exerting any effort, without even knowing that you were
doing it, you inspired someone else. =) isn't that a marvelously weird
but amazing thing?

which leads me to my second reason for writing...
i just wanted to remind you, as in each of you (kailangan ko pa bang
i-list ulit pangalang nyo? basta you. ikaw.), that YOU ARE A GOOD
PERSON and you can do great things.
if you don't need the reminder, buti ka pa. =) i hope you never need
reminding. =)

but just in case, you do. just in case, you were like me when i was
20. and i really thought i was a worthless nerd with no future...
and it doesn't even matter what the reason might be, whether because
it's academic, like failing too many subjects, shifting too many
times, the thesis falling apart, not wanting to study anymore...
or maybe it's personal, like a family member dying or the family
breaking apart or a broken heart or an accidental pregnancy or
violence & abuse or... well, even a combination of everything.. .
HUG. HUG. HUG.
i want you to know that i still believe that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON and
that you are important. and that is why i believe in you. and i don't
want you to give up on yourself.
habang may buhay may pag-asa. kung gusto, may paraan. God helps those
who help themselves. kung may sibuyas, may tigas? =)
you are a good person and you are important to me, so i want you to
succeed in your life.
and i don't mean graduating with honors or going on to become
professors or CEOs or politicians or millionaires.
i mean, you go and find your place in this world. find a job and
source of income that keeps a roof over your head and makes you feel
fulfilled with what you do.
please don't let the world defeat you or crush your spirit. kasi you
are a good person. and the world doesn't have enough good people in it.

and by good person, i don't mean perfect or holier-than- thou. i just
mean na... you did something good in your life already. you saved me,
mentally unstable person, and you helped me make my dreams a reality. =)
and you have the capacity to do even more biya. kung hindi lang kayo
mag-give up. i really, really believe you can do whatever you set out
to do.
well, except maybe worship evil or cause harm to others (like selling
drugs or shooting people dead)... i mean, if that's your life's goal,
i hope tama-an ka ng kidlat right now. =P
but otherwise... i give you my 100% support. even when everyone else,
even yourself, says it's impractical or impossible, i'll still support
you. kasi you are my "anak".

actually, meron man ako wish para sa inyo on your graduation. whether
it's this week or sometime in the next 10 years... =)
i really hope that each of you still believes in something. i mean,
that you believe that there is a higher power that watches over you
and is willing to make miracles happen in your life.
and i don't mean just going to church or mass or fellowship every
week. or being really active in a christian group. although both ARE
good for the soul to remind you about what's important.
i just mean na... marunong pa kayo mag-pray even without needing proof
to justify why or to whom you pray to.
para pag may problem kayo, isipin mo lang: "God, help me" and then you
feel better and persevere. and when good things happen to you, you
learn to be grateful for them.
maraming things na hindi ma-explain ng science. and the more hard-core
science i do, the more i see the hand of God at work.

i always pray (at least, when i remember to do so) that no matter
where you are, as in each of you, or what you are up to... i always
pray that you will have the grace of faith, hope and love.
faith para no matter how big your problems are, you can still believe
in miracles and you can still believe in yourself.
hope para no matter how lost you feel, no matter how pointless and
aimless things are, you will still keep trying and doing your best.
and love para when you are happy, you will feel happier. and when you
are sad, things feel a lot less awful.
HUG.

i'm sure that by now, you will have done some pretty stupid and
regrettable things. or maybe made the wrong choices.
don't beat yourself up about it. kasi everyone naman is entitled to
make mistakes. you have to learn to forgive yourself. and that's not
an easy thing to do.
but you also need to remember that the point of making mistakes is so
that you can learn from them and become a better person.

and if ever, right now, you find that you are not the kind of person
you thought you would be... don't be too worried.
minsan the reason why our expectations don't come true is because we
will be given a better opportunity.
sa totoo lang, akala ko (and even some of my acquaintances were
thinking) na ako na yung pinaka-pathetic na MBB graduate for having no
other option but stay at home to teach in pisay.
but it turned out to be the best thing that had happened to me in my
life. one of the few things that i am very, very proud of. kahit dito,
gina-pagmayabang ko na gra-graduate na yung iilan sa aking "mga anak". =)
and even after i became your teacher, i never really thought that i
would ever get as far as africa. or europe. for free. =)
kaya thanks talaga for becoming an "idea" to me: the idea that my life
is important because it serves as an example to others who need me to
live my life in the best way that i can.

gosh, ka-senti ko naman... =)
pasensya na. i mean, you can always opt to ignore this, and i'm OK
with that.
gusto ko lang talaga i-express ito... kasi i'm really, really worried
that at least one of you is exactly as miserable as i was when i was
your age.
just because most of you are already in your 20s, or graduating
already, doesn't mean i won't stop worrying about all of you.
what can i say? you are all my "mga anak". =) pasensya na. =) HUG.

feeling ko biya talaga na you were the best "gift" i got from God and
the universe. hindi ko talaga alam where i would be now if i hadn't
become your teacher.
and i know this is specific to your batch kasi i really have to admit
na hindi ko masayado naging kasundo yung ibang batch while i was still
teaching.
i still don't know how it happened. i just really feel blessed because
of it.
i guess that's why i really think you are good people. kasi you were
never rude or insulting. even when any of you didn't want to do what i
told you to do, i never felt offended.

ayun. yun lang. sorry for wasting your time with my sentimentality.
pagbigyan na lang...
HUG. miss ko biya talaga kayo. well, maybe ang miss ko specifically is
yung happy feeling that i got when i was in any of the classrooms in
the 3rd floor and teaching bio.
yun yung aking natural high.

ah, and because i am really so grateful to each of you, if ever you
need a recommendation or what. just tell me, OK? i mean, it'll be
easier if i can do it by e-mail but otherwise, send me the form or
what and i'll take care of mailing it to wherever it has to go.

and since i can't really buy 90 spoons here... =) if you want, i can
give you a postcard or something, just send me your mailing address. =)
which makes me wonder... what happened to your spoon? =)
by the way, about the spoon. i hope somewhere in your subconscious, ay
naaalala nyo pa yung nakasulat sa spoon. "a life lived in fear is a
live half-lived".
and that just doesn't mean that you should not be afraid to be
different or challenge authority. or not to be afraid to follow your
dreams. but also, not to be afraid to do what is right. or even not to
be afraid to face the consequences when you do something wrong. or to
not be afraid to fail. but also not be afraid to push you limits and
see yourself succeed. don't be takot, just make baka. =) HUG. try to
best to live life to the fullest YOUR way. kasi each of you is unique
and special. madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. i know.

ah, and gusto ko nga pala maging ninang ng mga anak ninyo, kung feel
nyo lang. =)
feeling fairy godmother kasi ako. =) hehehe.

and if you need help, just tell me. yung financial, medyo malabo kasi
i don't have savings right now. and ang hirap mag-save dito kasi
maliit lang stipend ko.
but i'll do what i can to help you if you need help or what.

i don't want any of you to feel that you are alone in the universe and
there is no point in you living your life. kasi it's not true. HUG.

sige, yun lang. ingat kayo palagi. take care of yourself and be
careful of yourself.
take care of yourself kasi important kayo sa akin and i hope only good
things happen to you.
be careful of yourself kasi minsan, you can be your own worst enemy if
you let your fear, laziness and doubt control your life.
i learned this the hard way, and i hope you won't need to find this
out the hard way, yourself.

thanks nga pala to those who went to the alumni reunion sa davao nung
dec 2005. nalingaw biya talaga ako that i saw a lot of you. kahit yung
hindi ko ka-close. i was really still so happy to see you. and those i
haven't seen in a long time... OK lang. until we meet again. and when
we do, know that i will be still be so proud of you, no matter what
you have become, kasi you are still alive. not a lot people realize
just how difficult it is to live and be alive. those are two different
things biya.

and thanks din to those who signed the petition. actually, kahit na
resolved na yun, kung pwede daw ay mag-sign up parin kayo doon kasi
baka intrigahin parin ang mga alumni...
but that's not why i'm writing this letter. =)

so, yun lang. salamat and ingat.

HUGS,
m.j.
(ma'am jemi)
http://mariecurie. multiply. com/

=====
Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
=====