I was at the lab this morning, standing beside the pH meter while waiting for the result of one of the water samples I was testing, when suddenly I received an unexpected call from an unknown number. When I picked up, it turned out to be a FedEx delivery guy and said he was on the way to my residence to deliver a package. John mentioned something about it on my birthday last week, saying my big gift hasn't arrived yet. So I thought, hmm this must be it! I rushed back to RVR after doing my lab tests and went straight to the reception area to get my package.
Here is what I got. I still had no idea whatsoever what could be inside. However, I examined the box before opening it. It said that that particular FedEx box is used for sending documents. Then I was like, "Documents? Is John giving me a marriage certificate???" I might have been secretly wed to him without my knowledge, and now he is revealing it to me! Far-out!!!
So after struggling for a while, I finally managed to open the box. Here is what I found inside. The growing anticipation has somehow flattened to a plataeu, because I didn't understand what this piece of cardboard could be.
I took out a pair of scissors and cut the cardboard open. The first thing I saw was an illustration of a constellation. In my mind, I was like "What's this? An astronomy coloring/activity book? I know I've told John that I am fascinated by stars and astronomy in general, back when we were stargazing at the Grand Canyon...oh but really, this? He shouldn't have..." (please note the sarcasm in the preceding line).
And then I found this other big piece of colorful paper. I had to read the contents twice, because it didn't sink in quickly. While I was about to finish reading and I finally understood what this was all about, tears of joy filled my eyes (once again! because the balloons and red roses made me cry too!)
*click the photo to enlarge!*
Then I found this card with cosmic design too.
I flipped it over and it read...
Here's the formal letter informing me of this whole thing.
*click the photo to enlarge!*
I love the second line!
The whole package:
John promised to give me the stars - and I thought it was just some flowery words, some nice things to say. I didn't know he was serious about it. What on earth did I do to deserve this guy? To be rewarded of this chance to get to know him? I feel so blessed. I am so happy. No words could adequately describe how an amazing person he is, how I think the world of him.
After receiving the package,
Me: This is the second best gift I've ever gotten for my birthday.
John: What's the first?
Me: You.
Yes we are cheesy people, so what. I didn't know that what MK and I have could exist outside Nicholas Spark's novels. This love story is better than the ones I've ever read.
Thank you John for making me experience this. No other person on earth can make me happier than you do. I love you so much.
My balloon-filled room on my birthday. Plus the bouquet of red roses. The Disney Princess balloon John brought to SELF while I was working was murdered by my ceiling fan when it went near it. Sad sia:( Ha but John is soooo sweet. Thank you for blowing all those balloons for me:)
I'm super amused by this boy whom we met at the zoo. He's so cuuuuute!!!
Welcome to the planet Welcome to existence Everyone's here (everyone's here) Everybody's watching you now Everybody waits for you now What happens next? (what happens next?)
I dare you to move (i dare you to move) I dare you to lift yourself off of the floor I dare you to move (i dare you to move) Like today never happened Today never happened before Welcome to the fallout Welcome to resistance The tension is here (the tension is here) Between who you are and who you could be And to now it is what now should be
(chorus)
Maybe redemption has stories to tell Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here
So Joseph has introduced me to this band Switchfoot. It's not the first time I've heard of them, but it's only tonight that I've made a conscious effort to get to know the band and their songs. This is because they're coming over here in Singapore on the 31st and Joseph has a way of obtaining $90+ worth of tickets for only $50. Unfortunately I didn't really know the band when he told me about it, so I was not really keen to go. But tonight he reminded me again in Google Talk (yeah I know, Jose, I haven't replied yet as of this writing hehehe), so I went to YouTube to check the band out.
I have become an instant fan!!!
I love their songs - clean and inspiring, with an alternative/rock beat.
I wasn't really aware that they had sung Dare You To Move, which I really liked when I first heard it in the movie A Walk To Remember (based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks, of course).
I played the video, like, 5 times in a row. It has another version that I like better, but embedding was disabled so I couldn't put it up here. It can still be access here though.
***
So anyway. I am going to the lab again tomorrow. Friday - my whole day FYP day. But this semester I also have a 2-hr lecture on Fridays, so that means I would be staying back at the lab much longer to compensate for the lost hours.
I have been thinking. I hate my final year project so much. That is no secret. Almost every post is in one way or another related to my abhorrence for my FYP. Every day I wake up with these negative thoughts, negative feelings - that I feel I am poisoning myself. There are days when I am at the pinnacle of my disgust for what I am doing that I have contemplated on killing myself at the lab and leaving my body there, purposely in full view of the people so that they will have nightmares about me every night. It is like some form of revenge or something, because they are part of something I hate so much. I have thought of dripping my blood in my lab station and using it as ink to express my feelings. I tried writing an email to my supervisor ( I think I blogged about it), but it was ignored. Another email I wrote recently explaining some things regarding the interim presentation, something that I feel would clarify their doubts, was also ignored. Well whatever. I cried in the rain on my birthday because of that presentation, because I felt I have disappointed them. I emailed them as an attempt to regain their confidence in me, but what the heck.
I am tired of hating. It takes up so much of my energy.
Maybe I am being so negative about it. I cannot do this to myself anymore - filling my heart and mind with filth and scum as black as the ones found in the bioreactors at the lab. Sometimes it is really scary, and when I feel like I'm almost at the edge of my sanity I call up my parents. And of course there's always John. I also make myself aware that I have friends, remind myself that there are people who care.
And please, what would that make of me. Sometimes there is this dangerous lie that creeps in my mind that "sacrificing" my life is a noble undertaking to send the message across, to speak up for the "oppressed". I may sound overly dramatic, oh yes I am being overly dramatic, but I cannot really pinpoint myself too why I feel this way about my FYP. But anyway, my guardian angel (yes the celestial being) bumped my head into something and made me realize that the only message it would send is that I would have ended up being the ultimate loser who gave up on the rest of her life because of something that would have been over in five more months.
I realized that this FYP is a humongous obstacle, like a giant boulder blocking the path I am taking, and there is no way around it to get to the other side but to pass through it by making a tunnel. I have been drilling and hammering and making that hole through the boulder for some time now, and it has been very exhausting that majority of the time I'd feel like giving up. But see, God is so good, he even brought me a helper from the States...well, not so much to do the mechanical part, but as my personal cheering squad to help keep my sanity intact as I do my stuff.
Well where am I really getting at? I just realized that in order for me to finish this task, I just need to really offer it to God. I realized I've been doing this all along to please myself, or to please my supervisors. Well, both aren't working. I need to have some higher purpose for doing this, or else I would never be able to see it through until the end. I forgot that I can always draw hope on one everlasting source, and I should have already done that a long time ago.
I was told God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. Maybe this experience is a tool that God wants to use to show His greatness - because I tell you, if ever I survive this thing, it is not due to my own capabilities. I know my limitations, and though how embarrassing it may be, it is awfully apparent during these times. I always tell myself God has a purpose for everything He lets me experience in life. Well I just hope whatever happens, God's glory will be manifested.
So finally, I surrender this thing in the hands of the Almighty. I didn't realize I was struggling on my own that's why I kept on losing and stumbling, and the weight seemed unbearable. Now I'm making a conscious effort to personally acknowledge God as my partner in this, because He promised I can do all things through Him. And He never fails His promises.
As of this writing, it is my 25th hour and 6th minute into my 22nd year on planet Earth. All hell could break loose but God is still so good because of the reminder of His love through the people He used as instruments to get the message across. That really meant a lot to me, as the dismal affair that transpired inside the four corners of seminar room E1-08-18 was well compensated for by the birthday messages I got from people who mean a lot to me. So thank you, you are one of the reasons I am still here, still willing to endure until the end of this personal battle. I shall not delve into the more disturbing details. But yeah, if this message of gratitude speaks to your heart, that means it's for you, and again, a big thanks.
If there were some way all the emotions raging inside me pertaining to my final year project could ever materialize and form into a living, breathing being, it would look like the most abominable, macabre, bloodcurling creature you've seen in your most horrible nightmare.
If I do not graduate and march into freedom on the expected day, I would go take a shovel and bury myself 6 feet under - as opposed to being buried under deep shit some more anyway. Soil or shit - no contest, right?
I don't know how one single thing could induce such repugnance in my blood. Really, I don't know how!!!
Hey but you know what, I realized that I do not hate school altogether. Actually i am looking forward to my non-engineering-based modules. Like yesterday, I was paying a lot of attention to this business module called Management and Organization. I like it. It's interesting. I was even surprised when I heard my classmates in the big lecture theater shuffling in their seats and getting ready to leave, only to hear the lecturer say 2 minutes later "Ok class, see you all next week." I was like, what? We're already done for the day?
And then another interesting History module called Christianity in World History. To be honest, I only took this module because it's the only one I could take given my remaining bid points. And it was just right for my schedule too. I really wanted to take Forensic Science in its place though, but the bidders looked like they had millions in their bid accounts and always left me eating dust after every bidding period. I always try to get this module every sem, to no avail.
So anyway, back to the Christianity in World History module. When I first entered the lecture theater and laid eyes on the Caucasian lecturer - high-waist pants, Quasimodo-like stance and all that shebang - I was like, uh-oh...I SO AM GOING TO DROP THIS MODULE and try to get something else that wouldn't prompt me to Dreamland and Droolsville. But as it turns out, when the kind sir started to speak, it also instigated a 180 degree turn of what I initially thought of him. He's actually a very interesting person who gives lectures peppered with sensible humor. I am looking forward to his lectures every Friday.
And there's this compulsary non-engineering module called Understanding Human Relations in the New Economy which is hosted by NUS Business School. I've recently changed my lecture group from the one held on Tuesday afternoons to the one on Thursday mornings to accommodate my part-time job. Plus, I get to be in the same class with my "United Nations" friends too. It should be fun. It's the last class, last chance, I get to be with my friends.
Then there's the level 5 engineering module and FYP - no further comments, thank you very much.
So there.
MK came to SELF (where I work) with a big Disney Princess balloon in hand. Sweeeet. =)
My thumbdrive is broken. Thanks a lot. As usual my FYP files are inside.
My presentation graphs look different when viewed from a windows-based computer, since I made them using my mac. The Y-axis for all the graphs are gone!
My backup files aren't working properly. Some data are lost for some strange reason.
My interim report presentation is this afternoon, and my slides have gone haywire.
Can somebody lend me a thumbdrive?
I got scolded for being late for work because my personal clock (ie cellphone) is behind time compared to the wallclock at SELF.
I wonder what's next.
Please let the universe be kinder for the rest of the day.
I am a Year 4 Civil Engineering undergrad who wishes to take up ESE5404 Biological Treatment Processes as my elective for this semester. I would like to take up this module because it is related to my final year project. However, when I tried to bid for it through CORS, it said I do not satisfy the prerequisites of this module. I tried to appeal but it was not approved. I still went for the first lecture and talked to Dr. YYY. He said that I should just send an email to you and there shouldn't be any problem.
Please include my name in the class list so it would reflect on my IVLE and I could download the notes. Thank you very much for your assistance.
Regards, Korinna Gacal Espinosa U048673R
Hi XXX,
Her request shall be approved. Please follow up.
Txs
YYY
Hi Dr YYY,
Module has been allocated to student.
Yebaaaa.=)
In other news, I will have my first ever surgery on the 29th of January. It's nothing serious. It's called a ganglion cyst and it's growing in my wrist. It's been getting bigger since last year when I first noticed it. Back then it was just a barely noticeable bump. Now there's one big bump, one small bump, and two micro bumps sitting on the big bump. Whenever I look at them, it makes me think of yet another sequel to the movie Aliens vs Predators. No, it's not that disgusting, but it does look weird and would sometimes elicit genuine looks of mild shock to people who'd notice it. Other people would want to touch it to, like it's some sort of otherwordly specimen. Anyhoo, it's starting to get annoying and pretty ugly so I'm having it removed. ACtually I've been wanting to have it removed since half a year ago, but I went for free consultation at the university health and wellness center, and I was referred to a hand surgeon. When I asked how much it would cost, I was already deterred by the initial consultation fee of around $80. So I waited until I'd get back to the Philippines - maybe it would be cheaper there. I was thinking I'd be home come December, which until now remains an unfulfilled dream.
One Sunday after the turn of the new year, Ivy noticed my bump again and she seemed worried about it. She told me to have it checked out because it might be dangerous - who knows? But I was worried about the cost and she reminded me that we have medical insurance as NUS undergrads, and I should make use of it since this semester is my last chance.
So I did!!!
The surgery would cost around SG$2000. Yes that's two thousand donald duck dollars and I don't know how I'm going to pay for the surgery without the insurance. I could choose not to have the surgery and watch the bump grow into the size of a golf ball perhaps. But that's not gonna happen anymore. So people, HAVING INSURANCE IS GOOD!!! You never know when you're gonna need it.
Thank you God for time spent with friends. I needed that.=) It was like having a lucid moment in all this madness.
I'm really grateful too that my friends are nice to John. Special mention to Joseph. Haha.=)
I am making progress with my FYP.
CORS bidding for this sem's module is a big joke. Classes start this coming Monday and I only have one confirmed class. I am supposed to take 4 (plus FYP) this sem to complete my requirements to graduate. But no worries, I'd be able to get all of them. I just wish I'd have them sooner so I could have my schedule up and be able to prepare well before school starts.
I would really welcome a nice, long break after I graduate. The only thing stopping me from applying to Work and Travel USA for the next summer again is that it would clash with my graduation date in July. I don't really mind skipping it because it's only a ceremony anyway, but I think it means a lot to my parents and I wouldn't want to deprive them of the joy of seeing their firstborn march in her graduation dress and receive that degree scroll which signifies the fruition of all their years of raising me and working hard to give me the best they can to prepare me for the world outside. I think it would give them much pride. I hope. That's how I think I'd feel anyway, when I envision myself in their shoes.
But how I long for those carefree days last summer. I was in the midst of one of the most majestic creations in this world. It was hard work during the day, but I had no other worries once I finished my shift. It was good money too. Life was much simpler, and I only had the basic necessities I needed yet still felt happy and content- food, shelter, clothing, and a beautiful playground that stretches as far as the eyes can see. I didn't have my hand phone, but I didn't feel deprived the whole three months I wasn't able to use it. I had to have internet connection though, and a phone card, mainly to update my family about my life's happenings because I've never been away that far before. I really miss the unsophistication of it all, the simple joys, and the magic in the air. I miss the Grand Canyon, the most beautiful sunsets, the blanket of stars- and as cheesy as it may sound, the feeling of being one with nature.
Anyway, enough of daydreaming. I still have that interim report to polish. And yeah, oral presentation's on Tuesday after this coming week, so I hope that the universe would not conspire against me on that day and would be kind enough to celebrate my birthday with joy, satisfaction, and peace of mind.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
amazing siguro kung yung birthday mo rin yung araw na kunin ka ni Lord. para hindi mahirap i-compute kung gano ka katagal sa earth. noh?
minsan gusto ko umiyak pero wala namang lumalabas na luha.
college lang yan, wala yan compared sa problems sa real world outside. wow that's so encouraging, the worst is yet to come!!! ang saya naman!!!
naimagine ko na ang sari-saring mga paraan pano mag-exit, lalo na pag nag-iisa ako. minsan nakakatakot. kaya siguro nandito sya ngayon kasama ko, kasi kapag ako lang, dangerous. kapag ako lang, baka bukas nasa newspaper na ako.
hindi pa nagsisimula ang klase, marami na agad demands.
I got no face to show my supervisor anymore after writing her an emo letter stating how I hate doing my FYP and stuff. It might have been improper for me to do that, but out of sheer desperation I needed to get things off my chest and wanted to be...well, honest. I told her with a tone of immense gratitude for her assistance, but apologetically opened up that my FYP has been a constant source of negative feelings these past few months.
When we met at the lab, she told me face to face that she read my email, but we just brushed it aside for a while. *AWKWARD MOMENT GALORE* Then she offered to give some nuggets of advice, which I just nodded my head in response to. When I got back to my room, I was hesitant to check my NUS email for fear of how she would reply to my email, which she never did anyway. If I were in her shoes, the safest thing to do is to not reply too. Unless she also has a degree in Psychology and wants to practice being a part-time shrink in between her wastewater engineering research duties.
So on Monday before seeing my supervisor again, maybe I should drop by here first.
What would I do without you, John, especially during these trying times...
Thank you for being with me here at the study room as I'm doing my interim report for my final year project which I'm desperately trying not to hate, and for all those times like this.
Thank you for being with me during what would have been the most miserable Christmas or school holiday ever had you not been with me.
Thank you for saying everything will be alright, and for making me realize I am indeed fortunate to have something important to wake up to everyday (ie, FYP).
And thank you for holding my hand every time before we eat while saying grace =).
*** Amusing random conversation:
Me: Hey, I'm just curious, how does it feel to have 'fish' in your last name? Do you always associate yourself with fish, like if somebody asks you 'If you were an animal, what would you be?'
John: *looking surprised, amused, and giving me the 'what-the' look * Hmm nobody's ever asked me that before. Erm, I don't even like fish that much. It feels like...nothing. It just feels like a last name. Well how do you feel having 'Espinosa' as your last name?
Me: Nothing. There's no common English word that's dominant within my last name.
*after a while*
John: Well, someday you're gonna find out how it feels to have 'Fisher' as your last name, and you're gonna have to answer that question yourself.
Please tell me that there is more to life than my stupid FYP.
I really hate it.
I am lost.
Quarter-life crisis, you are 4 years too early (a slight modification of what Jesa lamented a year ago).
I do not even know what I want to do with my life after I get out of here. I have so many options swimming in my head, all of which require sacrifices. I am not sure which one to go for.
I am so unmotivated. I switch on to "robot mode" while doing my school requirements because frankly I am really sick of it. I am just doing things because I know that I would hate the consequences even more if I do not do what I am supposed to do.
I want to get out of school, yet, what is out there in the real world waiting for me? Does society need someone like me? Does it need my talents? Will it welcome what I have to offer?
Here in NUS the rewards have NEVER been commensurate to the efforts I have exerted. The most recent example is my grade for Design Project, if you remember that one hell of a module I took last sem. My group mates and I put in a gargantuan amount of effort we thought was worthy of an "A" (or A+, coz we are ambitious people), and we even believed we were going to get it...but when last sem's results came, a "B" stared at me blankly from the computer screen. B is a decent grade, given my history of C's, D's, and an F during my first year. They've been all since replaced mostly by grades in the B range, some A-minuses...but never A's, even though an A has always been expected to grace my transcript for every semester after an awful first year.
There is something lacking. I feel overworked, yet ironically I feel my talents are under-utilized. Can you tell that I am miserable? Can you feel it?
Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony.
The following is a super-duper long letter by my biology teacher when I was a sophomore in high school. She's also from Pisay Davao and went back there to teach after finishing college. She's like one of those teachers you're really grateful you had.
I dug it out of my email archives because I needed to read it again, and I'm reposting it here so I could have easier access to it in the future.
Again, this is really super long, but if you're my batch mate and you can relate, go ahead and feel free to take in nuggets of wisdom from our Nanay Bebang. You might need it too like I do now.
F YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS LETTER REACH ANY OF THESE TITANS, PLEASE FORWARD IT TO THEM. JUST BECAUSE... =) PLEASE. T.Y.
i know it's very from-out-of- the-blue. .. but sa totoo lang, matagal ko na kayong gustong sulatan. kasi... well, alam nyo naman siguro na love ko talaga ang batch ninyo. all 90 of you. weird, no? although if you ask any of my baby brothers, sabihin man nila na matagal na akong weird. and many of you know that i'm weird anyway, so... funny biya. kelan ko kayo last nakita na magkasama... sa christmas party nung dec 2002 sa pisay? =) grabe no? mag-five years na? ganyan na KAYO ka-tigulang. =P
masyado bang weird? or feeling close? kasi some people, i just texted today. and some people... well, yun na nga 5 years na since last ko nakita, tapos hindi ko pa gyud ka-close nung ga-teach pa ako sa pisay. kaya lang, for me, i don't think it's weird at all.
na-watch ninyo ba yung movie na "V for vendetta". choy biya. medyo violent and maypagka-philosophi cal and complicated, but if you can you should see it. anyway, as i was saying, sa start kasi ng movie na yun, yung character ni natalie portman was talking about "V". sabi niya na some people become important to a person because they become "ideas". because they represent something even more important. =) and well, for me, ganun yung nangyari. kayong 90 became the "idea" in my head which i call my "mga anak". joke lang biya yun noon. pero joke na naging true. which is usually the case for a lot of things we say that we don't really mean. words have power, after all. bakit kayo naging "idea"? well...
kasi, actually, nung college ako, i had a very bad experience. and i was a horrible student. to the point na sinumpa ako ng thesis adviser ko. i never talked about this because i didn't want to discourage any of you. pero i hated being an MBB student. kasi dahil sa MBB, nagka-mental breakdown ako. i mean, that was how i felt by the time i graduated in 2000. ayaw ko na sa manila. ayaw ko nang mabuhay. kung pwede lang, matulog na lang ako forever tapos hindi na ako magising... and that was actually the real reason i went home to davao. kasi i wanted to get away from manila and to heal myself, especially my head. tapos the only reason why i became a teacher in pisay was because it was the only job i could get without needing to ask for a recommendation letter from anyone. funny, ba? wala ba sa itsura? or maybe you couldn't care less? as in; "so what? na-unsa man ni si ma'am. hubog tingali." =)
no, hindi ako hubog or what. =) i'm perfectly sane. i'm actually on a train from scotland heading for england, where i will be spending my easter holidays. "whoa! si ma'am, nasa UK?!" you might think. =) yes, and believe it or not. each and everyone of you is part of the reason why i finally made it this far. and i still remember your names (didn't ask for help from anyone). ok, so maybe yung iba, tinulugan ko muna before ko maalala. =) kasi i remember you sometimes in groups and it's hard to distinguish sometimes. but if i concentrate hard enough, i can even tell you your seating arrangement in class. like those who like to sit beside the window and get frightened by birds... hehehehe. or those who sit at the back and do their "thinking" (snoring) in class. =) hehehehe. i wonder if the people who did these things still remember. because i do.
anyway, bakit kayo naging reason? kasi... before i became your teacher, akala ko talaga ako na yung pinakawalang silibing person on the planet. there i was with a totally useless degree, no one willing to give me a recommendation letter, and i didn't even have an org or what when i was in college. tapos, you all came along. and you were all very kind to a mentally unstable person. =) HUG. serioso bitaw. i mean, i really appreciated the fact that of all the batches in pisay, you were my first batch of students. kasi... ga-complement ang personality ko sa inyo. kasi while i know that some of you couldn't care less who i was, and some of you were just being plastic and sucking up to me... most of you were... how do i say this? you were REAL people. when you asked me for help or advice, a lot of you sincerely needed my help. and those who didn't ask for help, those who were just sincerely lost... well, when i offered my help you welcomed it. and that is why i love you all actually. no, not love in the sense that i will marry you. yes, i am still unwed. but, no. i am not lesbo or corrupting minors. =) when i say i love you all. it means each one of you, individually, is very important to me. important in the sense na kung may masamang mangyari sa inyo, i will really cry. and it will hurt as much as if one of my family was harmed. kasi nga, in my head, each of you is "my anak".
anyway, that was the first time your batch saved me. when you were in 2nd year and i saw you everyday. and you believed practically everything i told you in class. and you weren't cruel to me. even when i couldn't reach the top of the blackboard or i would jump around in class or use my operatic voice when i get mad. and you even danced "you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals when i told you to. and you sat on the grass with me when i said we would have class there. and when i told you dissect a cockroach, most of you went and did it. =) and the ones who didn't, well, they know they didn't so... =)
the second time you all saved me was when i almost committed harakiri the summer after i resigned from pisay. you were all going to become seniors and i was going to LB to study. nag-tukar kasi ulit yung aking pagka-unstable because of a problem in the family. tapos, nung papunta na ako sa kitchen para kunin yung knife, bigla ko na lang naisip... kung magpatiwakal na ako? ano na lang ang mangyari sa aking "mga anak". so maybe some people might not care so much, but i knew that it would be such a bad influence on all of you. what kind of teacher would i be kung i will just give up on life? what kind of example would that be to every one of you? so, ayun. hindi natuloy yung harakiri, and i went to LB to do my MS. this is actually the reason why i wrote letters to you when i was in LB. kasi all 90 of you were my anchor. every time i had to do something, isip ko talaga: i have to do it well, for my mga anak. and then you all graduated high school and i was so relieved. and so proud. i was really, really happy you all graduated OK. i mean, yes, i know who wasn't able to march. but marching lang man yun. and i think it was an annoying reason why someone would not be allowed to march. but anyway...
i know that after that, i more or less lost touch with most of you, except for the ones in bebang. and it was kind of intentional. kasi... the truth is, by the time your batch graduated from pisay, most of you were already more emotionally mature than i? yeah, ganun ako ka-weird. but it's really true. i didn't feel very qualified to give you advice. and also, i wanted you to experience college life your way. i wanted you to make your own decisions for yourself, make your own goals, and make your own mistakes. yun lang yun. it wasn't because i didn't care anymore about what would happen to each of you. it was because i cared too much, and i was liable to interfere and give unsolicited advice. =)
pero every now and then, naaalala ko biya kayo. sometimes it takes a song, or a movie, or wala lang. i'm in class, and then i remember people sitting on the floor beside the platform, taking notes. =) and i always pray for you. i mean, obviously i can't really pray individually kasi masyado naman kayong marami and i have no idea what you are up to or where you are. pero pray ko lang na you are all OK. or if you have a problem, that you will eventually overcome it. that's just the way it is.
and the reason why i'm finally writing now is because i know that the first of you have just graduated. and that there are more to come this year. and in the coming years... alam ko kasi na from this point onwards, you will enter the real world as real adults. which means that you will really be too old to hear this already. or, those na na-delay or nag-drop-out or nag-give-up will start to doubt or hate themselves, which means that it will be welcome thing to have me tell you this.
haba ng intro ng aking letter, no?
anyway, my dear mga anak, i just actually wanted to thank you. thank you for being born and becoming my students in pisay when i really needed to feel needed as a human being. thank you for the times when you listened to me in class, took down notes, laughed at my jokes, made me laugh, made me sing. thank you for the times when you asked for my advice or help, especially the times when you cried in my presence and it made you feel better. thank you for the hugs, especially. alam nyo ba na before i became your teacher i NEVER hugged people. not even my best friend. =) pero your batch made me learn to give and receive hugs. thank you for being my inspiration. dahil sa inyo, because of the thought of all 90 of you, i gained enough self-confidence to apply for things that i honestly wouldn't have thought of applying for. kaya ayun. dahil sa inyo, i was able to do my MS thesis in AFRICA. and i just finished classes for my 2ND MS in the UK. and i'm supposed to do my PHD in europe later this year. tapos naka-act na rin ako sa musical play sa CCP and nakasali na ako sa dalawang creative writing workshops. not bad for someone mentally unstable, no? =) HUG.
hindi biya ako nagapahambog. i'm just being, really really grateful for your inspiration. and i want you to realize na your own existence, as a group and as individual people, is a very, very precious thing. without even exerting any effort, without even knowing that you were doing it, you inspired someone else. =) isn't that a marvelously weird but amazing thing?
which leads me to my second reason for writing... i just wanted to remind you, as in each of you (kailangan ko pa bang i-list ulit pangalang nyo? basta you. ikaw.), that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON and you can do great things. if you don't need the reminder, buti ka pa. =) i hope you never need reminding. =)
but just in case, you do. just in case, you were like me when i was 20. and i really thought i was a worthless nerd with no future... and it doesn't even matter what the reason might be, whether because it's academic, like failing too many subjects, shifting too many times, the thesis falling apart, not wanting to study anymore... or maybe it's personal, like a family member dying or the family breaking apart or a broken heart or an accidental pregnancy or violence & abuse or... well, even a combination of everything.. . HUG. HUG. HUG. i want you to know that i still believe that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON and that you are important. and that is why i believe in you. and i don't want you to give up on yourself. habang may buhay may pag-asa. kung gusto, may paraan. God helps those who help themselves. kung may sibuyas, may tigas? =) you are a good person and you are important to me, so i want you to succeed in your life. and i don't mean graduating with honors or going on to become professors or CEOs or politicians or millionaires. i mean, you go and find your place in this world. find a job and source of income that keeps a roof over your head and makes you feel fulfilled with what you do. please don't let the world defeat you or crush your spirit. kasi you are a good person. and the world doesn't have enough good people in it.
and by good person, i don't mean perfect or holier-than- thou. i just mean na... you did something good in your life already. you saved me, mentally unstable person, and you helped me make my dreams a reality. =) and you have the capacity to do even more biya. kung hindi lang kayo mag-give up. i really, really believe you can do whatever you set out to do. well, except maybe worship evil or cause harm to others (like selling drugs or shooting people dead)... i mean, if that's your life's goal, i hope tama-an ka ng kidlat right now. =P but otherwise... i give you my 100% support. even when everyone else, even yourself, says it's impractical or impossible, i'll still support you. kasi you are my "anak".
actually, meron man ako wish para sa inyo on your graduation. whether it's this week or sometime in the next 10 years... =) i really hope that each of you still believes in something. i mean, that you believe that there is a higher power that watches over you and is willing to make miracles happen in your life. and i don't mean just going to church or mass or fellowship every week. or being really active in a christian group. although both ARE good for the soul to remind you about what's important. i just mean na... marunong pa kayo mag-pray even without needing proof to justify why or to whom you pray to. para pag may problem kayo, isipin mo lang: "God, help me" and then you feel better and persevere. and when good things happen to you, you learn to be grateful for them. maraming things na hindi ma-explain ng science. and the more hard-core science i do, the more i see the hand of God at work.
i always pray (at least, when i remember to do so) that no matter where you are, as in each of you, or what you are up to... i always pray that you will have the grace of faith, hope and love. faith para no matter how big your problems are, you can still believe in miracles and you can still believe in yourself. hope para no matter how lost you feel, no matter how pointless and aimless things are, you will still keep trying and doing your best. and love para when you are happy, you will feel happier. and when you are sad, things feel a lot less awful. HUG.
i'm sure that by now, you will have done some pretty stupid and regrettable things. or maybe made the wrong choices. don't beat yourself up about it. kasi everyone naman is entitled to make mistakes. you have to learn to forgive yourself. and that's not an easy thing to do. but you also need to remember that the point of making mistakes is so that you can learn from them and become a better person.
and if ever, right now, you find that you are not the kind of person you thought you would be... don't be too worried. minsan the reason why our expectations don't come true is because we will be given a better opportunity. sa totoo lang, akala ko (and even some of my acquaintances were thinking) na ako na yung pinaka-pathetic na MBB graduate for having no other option but stay at home to teach in pisay. but it turned out to be the best thing that had happened to me in my life. one of the few things that i am very, very proud of. kahit dito, gina-pagmayabang ko na gra-graduate na yung iilan sa aking "mga anak". =) and even after i became your teacher, i never really thought that i would ever get as far as africa. or europe. for free. =) kaya thanks talaga for becoming an "idea" to me: the idea that my life is important because it serves as an example to others who need me to live my life in the best way that i can.
gosh, ka-senti ko naman... =) pasensya na. i mean, you can always opt to ignore this, and i'm OK with that. gusto ko lang talaga i-express ito... kasi i'm really, really worried that at least one of you is exactly as miserable as i was when i was your age. just because most of you are already in your 20s, or graduating already, doesn't mean i won't stop worrying about all of you. what can i say? you are all my "mga anak". =) pasensya na. =) HUG.
feeling ko biya talaga na you were the best "gift" i got from God and the universe. hindi ko talaga alam where i would be now if i hadn't become your teacher. and i know this is specific to your batch kasi i really have to admit na hindi ko masayado naging kasundo yung ibang batch while i was still teaching. i still don't know how it happened. i just really feel blessed because of it. i guess that's why i really think you are good people. kasi you were never rude or insulting. even when any of you didn't want to do what i told you to do, i never felt offended.
ayun. yun lang. sorry for wasting your time with my sentimentality. pagbigyan na lang... HUG. miss ko biya talaga kayo. well, maybe ang miss ko specifically is yung happy feeling that i got when i was in any of the classrooms in the 3rd floor and teaching bio. yun yung aking natural high.
ah, and because i am really so grateful to each of you, if ever you need a recommendation or what. just tell me, OK? i mean, it'll be easier if i can do it by e-mail but otherwise, send me the form or what and i'll take care of mailing it to wherever it has to go.
and since i can't really buy 90 spoons here... =) if you want, i can give you a postcard or something, just send me your mailing address. =) which makes me wonder... what happened to your spoon? =) by the way, about the spoon. i hope somewhere in your subconscious, ay naaalala nyo pa yung nakasulat sa spoon. "a life lived in fear is a live half-lived". and that just doesn't mean that you should not be afraid to be different or challenge authority. or not to be afraid to follow your dreams. but also, not to be afraid to do what is right. or even not to be afraid to face the consequences when you do something wrong. or to not be afraid to fail. but also not be afraid to push you limits and see yourself succeed. don't be takot, just make baka. =) HUG. try to best to live life to the fullest YOUR way. kasi each of you is unique and special. madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. i know.
ah, and gusto ko nga pala maging ninang ng mga anak ninyo, kung feel nyo lang. =) feeling fairy godmother kasi ako. =) hehehe.
and if you need help, just tell me. yung financial, medyo malabo kasi i don't have savings right now. and ang hirap mag-save dito kasi maliit lang stipend ko. but i'll do what i can to help you if you need help or what.
i don't want any of you to feel that you are alone in the universe and there is no point in you living your life. kasi it's not true. HUG.
sige, yun lang. ingat kayo palagi. take care of yourself and be careful of yourself. take care of yourself kasi important kayo sa akin and i hope only good things happen to you. be careful of yourself kasi minsan, you can be your own worst enemy if you let your fear, laziness and doubt control your life. i learned this the hard way, and i hope you won't need to find this out the hard way, yourself.
thanks nga pala to those who went to the alumni reunion sa davao nung dec 2005. nalingaw biya talaga ako that i saw a lot of you. kahit yung hindi ko ka-close. i was really still so happy to see you. and those i haven't seen in a long time... OK lang. until we meet again. and when we do, know that i will be still be so proud of you, no matter what you have become, kasi you are still alive. not a lot people realize just how difficult it is to live and be alive. those are two different things biya.
and thanks din to those who signed the petition. actually, kahit na resolved na yun, kung pwede daw ay mag-sign up parin kayo doon kasi baka intrigahin parin ang mga alumni... but that's not why i'm writing this letter. =)
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over announcing your place in the family of things. =====
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
