Yelling through the roof and calling out to God

God, can you like, materialize and talk to me face to face? I need you because you are the ONLY one who knows what's happening. I don't even really know what's going on. Okay maybe I have an idea - no, lots and loTS and LOTS of ideas and theories and whatnot - I am so tired of trying to making sense out of things. I am tired of over-thinking. My elders say I should use my brain. Now I am trying to use my brain, trying to rationalize things, trying to understand my actions, trying to justify myself, and trying to find the good in this labyrinthine byways of emotions cruising through my innermost being right now.

I am exhausted of talking to myself and to the walls. I can't really voice out everything in this blog because it is unwise to do so. Prying eyes of strangers who have no business with my life's occurrences might stumble upon it. It really helps to talk to my friends about it, but afterwards I'd feel I've been biased because I haven't told them the whole story. There is always the tendency to make their sympathy gravitate towards me, mainly because I want myself understood and justified.

So maybe I'd like to take this chance to say that I am owning up to my faults and shortcomings in this whole story, and I do not consider myself a casualty in this conflict, even though I may have portrayed it like that. I sincerely do not harbor any hard feelings for other people involved, though I may seemingly have because I purposely try to find some negativity from the other party that I can use to elucidate my actions.

You know what, I am actually taking up responsibility for everything. If only I hadn't acted too rashly, if only I had waited for 3 more months. If only I had the willpower to tell my heart to shut the *bleep* up.

But on the other hand, I also don't regret it, because it brought tremendous happiness in my life too.

See, I regret it and don't regret it at the same time. How f*cked up (I cannot find a more suiting term) is that.

Now I am scared. Scared to hurt other people's feelings without them really deserving it. I wish I would just disappear into thin air rather than losing sleep over this matter and waking up to unresolved issues.

If only I'm dealing with a TOTAL jackass. But no, for some reason, I still care.