weightoffhershoulders

Thank you God for letting me submit my FYP final draft today. Only you could have made it possible.

But yeah, I don't know if I can say that "I could have done better". I don't know whether my examiner or supervisor, or both, will faint when they read my work. I'm pretty sure it is not up to their standard, just like everything else I do.

I tried you know. I started my FYP as early as I could in September, right after my killer Design Project which had been the bulk of my blog posts during that time too because of the way it's been sucking the life out of me. There was no way to tell that early that the next challenge (FYP) would be much, much worse.

I can truthfully say I've labored so much at the lab. There were times during the first semester that I was there every single weekday. Sometimes weekends. And the worst part was I was there during Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve..and all the important holidays I never dreamed of "skipping" for anything. I traded my FYP for time spent with family for the December holidays. I think that's what made me really hate it so much. Now I can say that it's TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.

I was confident that I had a headstart among my peers, because I know most of them started only in December or the second semester. But even with that I still had to struggle so much. Even with those sacrifices my work is still CRAP for them damn supervisors (only one is official, the other one is somebody whose role I really don't know how to define).

Everytime I approach my supervisor to clarify things with my FYP, he shoos me away. He makes me feel stupid when I present to him my understanding of what's happening. He quickly dismisses me and tells me to go talk to the-other-one-whose-role-is-not-clearly-defined. Young Scientist of the Year what, where got time to answer stupid questions from a struggling undergrad???

Then the other one. I don't know whether to be grateful to her or not. She meddles with my work and sometimes it seems like she is reaching out to help me out of her goodwill, but sometimes I think it's because her ass is also at stake if I don't do well. So a while ago I gave her a copy of my thesis, and we spoke on how I could improve on it. But I mentioned that maybe we could talk some other time because I didn't sleep the whole night even up to the time we were speaking, so my brain can't really absorb anything. Instead of being understanding, she just laughed it off like it's no big deal I didn't sleep and I was tired. What's worse is that she beagan talking about her previous student who got an A, and how she's so good and stuff.

But what really takes the cake is when she commented: "See, I get better students in the past".

Like, WTF woman. My dead brain and worn out body couldn't take it anymore, but I just kept quiet. I kind of regret not retorting back: "Well that is most unfortunate indeed. I completely understand though, because I had much better supervisors in the past too, and I know it sucks how it is right now."

Throughout the project duration, I've been given feedback on where I was lousy at. I am unaware about the good things I did, if I have any.

The biggest difference between my Design Project and Final Year Project is the kind of supervisor I had. For Design Project I had a mentor, who patiently pointed out my flaws so I can improve, and gave out tremendous support and encouragement for me to carry out the process of improving. For my Final Year Project, I just have these superiors who don't give a crap, which drives me to do the same thing.

Wow. I think it is draining for anybody to read whatever I post nowadays. I feel bad too that my parents had to take in the pure, uncensored rant by my sleep-deprived self that I emailed them right after I was given that inappropriate comment this morning.

I am looking forward to better days though. Really. I sincerely can't wait to get out of here and fix my broken self.

PS thank you for those who bear with me through all of this, even when the ugly side of me predominantly surfaces. i am going to get my happy self back soon