This is going to be a rant.
This is just one of those days that I feel like I'm such a loser. I am graduating really soon and I feel that I have failed myself through the course of my stay here in NUS. Even until now I still don't know what I really want to do in life. I envy those who have this vision of themselves of what they're going to be 5 years from now. I feel bad for myself because of my stupid CAP that is still not worth anything even if I almost died trying to improve it after its catastrophic nosedive to the miry depths when I was in Year 1. Recruitment talks are already on-going, and when I eagerly research on companies and their eligibilty criteria for a possible career placement, it always breaks my heart when they state a specific honors class requirement that I know would be impossible for me to achieve already at this point of my student life.
I was walking along the BizAd Career Services building and I saw posters after posters of their stellar students. Even my co-scholar Reginald Lee is one of their poster boys. Hah. I hate it when I pit myself against people of their calibre because it makes me feel like the lowest kind of human being there is. Or even lower than that. I feel like shit.
I have this idiosyncracy of crumpling a piece of paper when I've started to write and work on it but feel like it's not neat enough, or my handwriting's not pretty enough, or any way not up to the phantom standards I've come up with. If only my uni life was a piece of paper I could crumple and start fresh with a new sheet, free of any wrinkle or ugly ghost pencil marks.
Admittedly, I have high expecations of myself. I've already forgiven myself for that first time I've fallen short of my own expectations, from being one of the cream-of-the-crop or whatever *bleep* they call us in highschool, to being the worst in class, and now mediocre at best. But the past still haunts me every now and then.
Mediocre, I hate that word.
God, please help me see my real value. Please remind me not to base my worth on my abilities (or lack of). Please remind me that I am worth something, even worth dying on the cross for.
***
This too shall pass. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Sandslob's Twitters
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
bouts of self-bashing
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4 made me smile:
why the f ur engrish so good.. u put me down to the miry depths! omg.
haha.. take it easy my dear ex-roomie. there's always better ppl out there. see, you engrish is more powderful than mine already what. and i not complaining already what.
haha. just so u done ur best is enough already la.
compare and compare time will pass u by so fast then u realise u lost much time..too much time actually.
hang in there dere.
i also dunno what i wanna do leh. AND i grad liao!
Hey Kori, stop being so hard on yourself. So what if your not on the a list, your not out of the game and you can always improve. Look at me 44 years old and still trying to get better. Sometimes I feel like its no use, but after a little time to rethink, i know I need to keep trying. So do you, also thanks to you and others like you, I have started to strengthen my relations with God. Thank you kori for all you kind words. I Love You Little Sister.
thanks a lot duck and dave. really appreciate it. means a lot.:)
korinna youre the best regardless. i remember when you gave me that note that one time i mean i really didnt like that note, but at the same time i was wondering... did she type this? honestly i couldnt figure it out until i realized that youre handwriting is just THAT GOOD. you should submit it to microsoft word. i bet theyd adopt it. and yeah like daphne said, your english is soo good. haha, wait i mean engrish.. haha. plus you're MY poster child. which is much more prestigious than any company's poster child. :-)
remember korinna, you CAN make it. haha, get it?
i love you korinna.
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