Gone with the Wind

I miss my passion in serving God. He used to be in the top spot of my priority list. I miss the warmth, the joy, the inner peace that living for Him everyday brings. I've had spiritual droughts many times before. I hate it every time. Maybe I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember, or at least called myself one, and once in a while there would came a point in my life where I'd wonder what if I lived my life differently. The Bible has super high standards and it's just so hard to keep up. I am not perfect, and I know I will never be in this lifetime, so why would I even bother.

Sometimes I'd try to put myself in the shoes of those who deny the existence of God. But every time I'd come to the same conclusion: I cannot detach myself from my belief that there is a God. For me, it's scary to think I am on my own, that I'd only be the one to carry the full weight of my problems. It's more outrageous for me to accept that the universe came out of nowhere, that there is no Divine Architect that created everything. It's disheartening to think that there is no afterlife, that there are no eternal consequences for each of my actions, because if that's the case then I might just as well bid farewell to this life whenever I feel like it. If not from God, where would I draw my hope and my strength, and from who else could I rely on for unconditional love?

God has always been faithful to me. It makes me sad when I can't do the same thing for Him, because there are times when I just don't feel like it. I justify that I own my life, and I'd do whatever I want with it. But whenever I veer away from Him, there'd always be a void that nothing in this world can fill. I find no satisfaction in pleasing only myself. I need God, I want to come closer, I want my passion back. I miss those moments when I'd want to do great things for God, no matter what.

But where is my drive? I seem to have lost it.

I Will Sing
Don Moen

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart


I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing


Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart


I will sing
I will sing


Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing