Death

My design project woes now all seem immaterial. I got a call from my father a while ago, and I immediately sensed that his voice failed to hide his heavy heart. I learned that his brother, my uncle, had been shot to death at 4am today. Four fatal shots took his life away just like that.

I remember getting a similar call from my sister almost 4 years ago. She was crying when she told me my grandfather's been stabbed to death at his house.

Why is the world so cruel? It seems that people are so fond of killing my relatives. It's so fun is it????

It makes me angry. Angry with the heartless criminals who did these things. It makes me scared. Scared because the things I see on TV about people killing each other is now in real life, and there's no stop button or rewind button or that one that you use to flip the channels. The nightmare has become a reality.

If you ask me what my greatest fear in life is, it's losing the people I love. I admit I am not very close to my grandfather nor to my uncle, but I care for them enough because they're my family and I've shed tears because of their passing. They were proud of me...hmm...especially my uncle. Every time I'm back home, and I'd see him, he'd always greet me "How are you Miss Singapore?". He was very proud of the fact that he has a niece studying in one of the best universities in the world, and he'd always make it known to people. He'd introduce me to his friends that come over, and it made me feel very special. He'd engage me in intelligent conversations in front of family members, and would ask me thought-provoking questions. I never really told him that I appreciated him for putting me in his league of "the smart ones" like himself. Now I would never be able to.

I can't imagine the pain my aunt is going through right now. She's left with three small kids to care for. When I say small, I mean really small. Really young. Gosh...

If there's anything positive in this whole situation at all, maybe it's the way my father is dealing with his loss. When he lost his dad, my grandfather, he could have been very angry and just send those suspects straight to jail, because the police were pretty sure those bastards did it anyway, and my family had access to power that could make them rot in jail for the rest of their lives. But there was still a very small doubt, a very small possibility that maybe the suspects were not the ones who really did it. He explained to me that if we wrongly convict those people, what about their families? He still had compassion in his heart despite everything. He's just leaving it all to God, believing that justice would be served - if not in this life, then the next.

And now, some cold-blooded murderer has taken his brother away forever, and he called to ask me to pray.

Sometimes, I really don't understand why things like this have to happen. If it happens to other people, you'd think, "Oh, God must have a reason. It just had to happen to fulfill his perfect will, his grand plans, which is not actually to harm us but to prosper us...". Yeah it's true, I believe in my heart all those things, but you can't deny the person his right to acknowledge pain, anger, confusion, and doubt in His promised love and protection.

Anyway, last time, I wished my grandfather's killers would die a slow and painful and horrible death too. But that's not the way God would want me to react. I am trying my best not to harbor angry thoughts anymore. I surrender this situation to God, and I pray for strength to my family members who are suffering the most from this loss. I hope they can see past this trial. I pray that they'd never lose hope.

Design Project volume 10000000000

Yesterday (and the first 4 hours of today) was one of the most stressful days of my life. My group mates and I finished our group meeting at around 3:30 AM.

Yeah lor, 3:30 AM and I am still in one of the benches in engin, stressing my brain cells out in calculating the axial forces and buckling resistances and whatnot of our proposed strutting system design. At the same time I was feeling very angry because we had to stay out late, because of the cut-throat competition in class, and because of the stressful nature of life in Singapore in general. I mean, yeah, no wonder Singapore is so progressive and booming and everything, a great feat for a country that's just a puny dot on the world map...but to the expense of its people having an onerous means of living. Everything is fast-paced, that sometimes I feel if I try to stop and smell the roses, I'd get run over by people going about their lives in the fast lane.

Anyway, we had our second presentation a while ago. That's why I found some time to blog, because my group mates and I are trying to catch our breath after all the rush before the presentation. It didn't go well though, and it was even disastrous. Yeah, even though we meet everyday to discuss. Even though we worked very hard. But it's okay, the professors were very understanding, because they can see our efforts despite the fact that none of us has taken any structural steel design modules before, which would have taught us all the basics in what we're designing for. So basically it's self-learning from scratch, and in one week's time. (Last week was for the geotechnical part, and for that we did well).

While presenting, it was apparent we were doing very poorly. We were the last ones to present and the groups before us presented stuff that we didn't even know should be included. So even before our turn we already knew we were going to "die". Surprisingly, the supervisors didn't scold us nor demean us. They were very sympathetic actually hehe. After we presented I wanted to cry because of Prof Phoon again, but this time it's because I'm very touched by his genuine care and concern for our group. He is really the bestest best mentor I've had here in NUS. Really.

Hmm. One funny thing about this design project is that the supervisors in charge actually thought we didn't have any other classes apart from this. The revelation came when one of them overheard my friend ask another classmate whether he has finished his assignment for another class, then the supervisor suddenly exclaimed "HUH? You have other classes apart from this???" Then we were also shocked and said "Of course!!!". Then he was like, "I thought they suspended the other classes until after your design project is over?"



WALAU. WHERE GOT SUCH THING MAN????

Anyway, now we know why they make our life so difficult like that. And now they know why we are so stressed.

Oh yeah, yesterday I felt bad for my groupmate too, because when she told her overprotective sister she will be coming home late because of the project, she was asked "IS THAT YOUR EXCUSE FOR STAYING AT *boyfriend's name* HOUSE TONIGHT???".

Hmm, so stressed already then got accused somemore. Then she began screaming her head off while arguing with her sister on the phone. Then her sister called my other group mate to confirm about the project thingy, and so my other groupmate had to convince the sister that yes, we are in fact really working hard on our project while she's having unclean thoughts about her younger sister who's already under so much pressure . Inevitably, my groupmate burst out crying because her family doesn't trust her, and probably because we still had a lot of things to do and it was already very late.

Anyway. Yeah, life is full of drama and tears nowadays because of this thing. Everyday when I wake up I'll ask God for strength to get through the day, else I might just snap haha.

And yeah. Good thing there's John. =)

You make my heart explode with happiness

I miss you. But I know you are worth the wait.

Prof Serious-But-Friendly

WOW I am sooooo touched. I opened up my mail and right on top was a heartwarming email from Prof Serious-But-Friendly. Never in my life has any lecturer/ teacher emailed me about anything apart from admin matters.



Wow beneath that facade lies a golden heart eh...

*sigh*

WOOOOOOOW.

=) now i am more motivated to do very well for our design project. =)

design project-induced tears, volume 2.

Finally, a night without having to meet for design project. But that is because both my groupmates are also my classmates for another module, and we have an assignment due next week, so we've decided to do that first.

Something remarkable happened a while ago. I missed the design project briefing again because I was working at SELF (yeah I'm doing a part-time job at the Self-access English Learning Facility, aka SELF, at school). I rushed to the structural lab, and when I entered, it was right when Prof Male-Chauvinist-Pig was adjourning the briefing. So anyway, wow, too late for me. I felt bad, coz yesterday I missed it too, and I'm concerned I'm giving them a bad impression about my commitment for this project. I mean, they do not know the tremendous amount of effort I put in coz they are not there when I try to run the software and analyze stuff until 4 or 5 in the morning, or my input when my groupmates and I have a discussion. It's just that I am working some days of the week, and it's only for 3 hours at most per day. But the thing is, my working hours coincide with the project briefing time slots. AND THE PROJECT BRIEFING TIMESLOTS only came out AFTER I've committed myself to working at SELF, so I'd also have to answer to my boss there if I don't show up at work.

I raised this concern with Prof Serious-But-Friendly, but then he replied something like I owe him some points now coz I'm always not there. This just made me feel worse, thanks very much. I mean, I am working my ass off and have become zombified because of this, but they don't know that, so they think otherwise.

Well, I felt my cheeks burning and a lump on my throat was starting to form, so I excused myself out of the room and sat by the stairs outside, and well I just broke down and cried a river. I was just very tired, and I felt unappreciated. Apparently, I was crying quite loudly and Mr Kind-Lab-Technician stopped by and offered some tissue. I sort of shoo-ed him away and insisted I was okay. Well, he went away, but told the people in the room about me so my groupmates came out rushing to see if I was alright. They said they thought I'd fallen off somewhere or what, coz the way the lab technician told them, it was like I was seriously hurt. And our structural engineering lab, it looks like a warehouse where goons in the movies kill each other, that kind of thing.

So anyway, my groupmates tried to console me and reassured me that they don't think I'm lazy and stuff, and I'm really grateful for them. While we were having this session, Prof Serious-But-Friendly also passed by and saw my tear-streaked face. Then my groupmate told him it was his fault I'm crying haha, then he said sorry. He added that I must not take things too hard.

Well I am really just like that. I cry whenever I face temporary setbacks. It's my way of releasing all the negative energy that's inside of me, or else I cannot cope. And somemore his joke wasn't very funny and I am just super stressed these days.

Well anyway, this thing is gonna be over soon.

Now I'm going to the library to do my transportation planning assignment. What a great way to spend a Friday night.


PS

I REALLY MISS MY DAYS AT THE GRAND CANYON. It's super different from this kind of (non)life.

4:30am with eyes wide open

It's 4:30 am and I am still grappling with my part for the design project presentation that needs to be finalized later today.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not getting any sleep until after my lesson ends at 9 pm later tonight.

It feels like exam period on the second week of the schoolyear.

Random blah.

On the edge


Reaching for the prize

why i am sandslob

Stylo Milo is my desktop wallpaper.



God must have spent a little more time on you.

9088 miles.

It's funny how you greet me goodnight coz I'm about to sleep when I greet you good morning coz you're just about to go to work.

Design Project

Expletives galore.

*(&Y*%TE&^#W&$WT^$Q%$W$Q@Q@#@#%$W%#()*()*&^%*&$^%^%$#$@#$!$#@$#W$%EI*)(*&&^&*%$%$^%$#$^#$%^W^%$#%$^&%^U^U&*U*&^%^%&^%$^%$^Y&%^R&%$*&*&*_)_+_++)(**^^&%$#$@@#@#$#@@#@##@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Design project. Wow, I didn't expect I'd already be burnt out by the third day of the schoolyear. Coz of the very short duration of this module, the supervisors expect us to focus on this module alone until it's done. Like, please-ignore-your-other-subjects-and-put-aside-your-FYP-for-now kind of thing. This afternoon, we were proudly presenting what we have so far to our prof, but sadly for them it's not good enough. He even asked us, "Why only this? You didn't work last night?" NIGHT. Yeah they expect us to work day and night.

Mind you, I drag my sleepy body out of bed and into school, inside the lab, at 8 or 9 am, stay there and do design project work until until until until until we die la. I mean, it's already 10pm+ and I just got back you know. Then I'd still have to do some more design project work before I go to bed.

MADNESS, can????

Oh yeah, so while at the lab, my sanity almost reached its limits. My head was already pounding while showing our prof what we've done using the software and how we've come up with the design parameters and stuff.

Anyway. 4 weeks less three days more to go. I think we are progressing too, so that's good!

And yeah, thank you God for every ounce of strength and for every source of happiness you provide me. I appreciate it.

Why?

Of all people, I didn't expect you to be against us.

First Day Funk

Well well well. First day of the school year, and already bombarded with work.

I have a 4 MC module that I thought would be for the whole semester, but was SHOCKED to find out it would be over after 4 weeks. Yeah lor, 4 months became 4 weeks!!!

But it's the best way to go about doing it, the prof explained, so that we'll be discharged from that module asap and we'll get to concentrate on our FYP for the rest of the semester (and the rest of the year).

Of course there'd be a trade-off for this express module. We'd have to work on our Design Project everyday, until night, even during weekends. That's what the prof said, and he wasn't even kidding.

My design project name is Structural Support System for Excavation Work, and I don't know what the *bleep* it's asking for. Until my groupmates and I approached our prof after the lecture, that is. During my younger years here, when we're tasked to do design projects, my heart would pound and my brain cells would exterminate themselves, because they'd rather commit suicide than be slaughtered (I got that from Daphne haha).

But now, I've decided to take the proactive approach. Instead of letting fear of failure from taking over, I've decided first and foremost that this project can be done, and it can be done excellently. I admit that the first time I saw the project description, and even during the whole introductory lecture, I was blur as the most blur I can ever get. So to make things clear, my groupmates and I made our way to our prof's office, befriended him, and clarified stuff. That proved to be very helpful, and a very smart thing to do. Haha.

My group is the flower among the thorns. One of our supervisors decided to pit us girls against the boys, so our group is all-girls, while the rest of the class has all boys in them. There's only three of us anyway. But it had some perks too, coz one of my groupmates has this natural ability to do the doe-eyed look while requesting for our guy classmate to photocopy the relevant books and papers for us, for which he readily agreed to do. You go, girl!!!

I find my other class for today very interesting too. I think there are only 3-5 of us undergraduates, and the rest are all post-graduates probably doing their Master's or PhD. They all look old and married and matured haha. Some were late because they had to come from work, which is also why our classes are held in the evenings. It's just fun because they know a LOT of stuff, naturally, and I get to learn from them. I'm surprised that I am not even bothered if they skew the class grading curve to their advantage, because I know I'll benefit too just by being and learning with them. They are more pro-active, they talk more, they're not afraid to say something that might be wrong in class. Maybe it's because of their work experience, and that they've been out there in the real world, so when they're back in the classroom they're more relaxed and less afraid to share what they know.

Anyway, tomorrow at 8 I'll be meeting with my groupmates for the design project.

BRING IT ON BABY!

Now that I've seen the big picture

I just realized,

God loves me soooooo much.

At this very moment, if it weren't for an unexpected turn of events, perhaps I wouldn't be here writing this post. Perhaps I would be distraught, contemplating about the cruelty of this world, while holding on to the safety rails on the edge of the roof of PGP. Or perhaps I would have jumped already.

But no. God knew this was coming, that this had to happen, and He knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if He didn't do something. Something I totally wouldn't have expected. I mean, I was happy, I was content, I was looking forward to more happy moments like it had been before I left. Why mess my perfect life up? Why make things complicated? No matter how much I resisted, it kept on pushing its way back. I was confused. I felt guilty. Why are you allowing this, Almighty?

Had I known the big picture beforehand, I wouldn't have been so melodramatic. Now all is well. It's perfect.

God gives, God takes away, God gives something better. MK. =)

Because of you

I not only ate my words, I choked on them.

Happy

I'm free.=)

And what an ironic twist to this story. It wasn't even hard at all.

Thank you for giving me a chance to love you. But it just wasn't meant to be. Take care, and goodbye.

It's funny how life works

Four months ago I thought everything was going perfect, and I couldn't think of going about my life other than the way I had then imagined it to be. It's funny how one trip halfway around the globe could seriously alter the whole course of my life.

please.

TAKE ME BACK TO GRAND CANYON!!!

FYP at Week 0

Auntie Paz: O Chinky, naayos mo na ba ang gamit mo? Paalis na tayo, baka may naiwan ka.

Me: Auntie, ang puso ko po.

Yes, my school has this thing called Week 0. Lectures haven't started yet, but it's like, you know, revving up the engine for the journey for the new semester.

I spent the whole day doing something for my FYP. I woke up at 7 am but got off my bed at 7:45am, showered, and headed straight to the Engineering Workshop 2 where the lab I'm using for my FYP is located. My supervisor Dr Lee asked me to report today so I could visit the site where we collect our water samples used for our project. Mr Tan and Dr Lee were already loading the huge containers that would be filled with RO brine (the reject water of the reverse osmosis process in the water treatment plant). I came there just in time when Mr Tan was about to leave to go to the NEWater plant in Bedok.

So we drove for 45 minutes. We talked. He was nice.

Then we reached the place. Gosh. So...bland. Well, what should I expect? It's a wastewater treatment facility, so there are no colors other than gray and gray and more gray. I went there once before, but only where visitors have limited access to. That part is actually very interactive and impressive for something educational. But the real treatment plant below where all the processes take place is noisy and no-fuss kind of thing.

I am actually the type who cannot own a plain black computer or cellphone, and somemore I CANNOT TAKE GRAY surroundings. MUST HAVE COLOR ONE!!!

I stoned there for 2 hours, with periodical snap-backs to reality when the RO brine jugs get full and I'd have to transfer the small tube where the water flows into another empty jug.

Mr Tan really had a good workout as he was the only one loading the 20 or so jugs to the trolley and unto the van. So heavy sia, what can I do??? I can't even lift a jug 1 cm off the ground.

When we arrived at NUS, I went to the lab again and stayed there until 6 pm. I was assisting my supervisor with all the tests she was doing, which is also good because I'll be doing those same things on my own when I start my FYP for real.

Every single time I go for any labs here in NUS, I see instruments I have never seen before in my life. Even though the lab was well equipped in its functional sense, it's severely lacking in the aesthetics department (which is of no real use to the people there anyway, so they keep it like that). I reiterate, I just don't like gray surroundings. So to make my time at the lab more exciting, I pretended I was part of the C.S.I. team while doing the experiments using the sophisticated instruments.

I think I am getting married to my FYP.

Gosh. I can see the black hole that's going to suck all the fun and leisure as I know it for the next 9 months or so.

Exam Answers

...that really remind me of the old days...

No, there is an elephant in the way. hahahahahhaa!!!=)


Integrating Batman from zero to bat equals Bruce Wayne hahahaha


And EXPAND he did...so smart sia!!!


If all else fails, just go and die...


SUPER FUNNY can?!?!

Yelling through the roof and calling out to God

God, can you like, materialize and talk to me face to face? I need you because you are the ONLY one who knows what's happening. I don't even really know what's going on. Okay maybe I have an idea - no, lots and loTS and LOTS of ideas and theories and whatnot - I am so tired of trying to making sense out of things. I am tired of over-thinking. My elders say I should use my brain. Now I am trying to use my brain, trying to rationalize things, trying to understand my actions, trying to justify myself, and trying to find the good in this labyrinthine byways of emotions cruising through my innermost being right now.

I am exhausted of talking to myself and to the walls. I can't really voice out everything in this blog because it is unwise to do so. Prying eyes of strangers who have no business with my life's occurrences might stumble upon it. It really helps to talk to my friends about it, but afterwards I'd feel I've been biased because I haven't told them the whole story. There is always the tendency to make their sympathy gravitate towards me, mainly because I want myself understood and justified.

So maybe I'd like to take this chance to say that I am owning up to my faults and shortcomings in this whole story, and I do not consider myself a casualty in this conflict, even though I may have portrayed it like that. I sincerely do not harbor any hard feelings for other people involved, though I may seemingly have because I purposely try to find some negativity from the other party that I can use to elucidate my actions.

You know what, I am actually taking up responsibility for everything. If only I hadn't acted too rashly, if only I had waited for 3 more months. If only I had the willpower to tell my heart to shut the *bleep* up.

But on the other hand, I also don't regret it, because it brought tremendous happiness in my life too.

See, I regret it and don't regret it at the same time. How f*cked up (I cannot find a more suiting term) is that.

Now I am scared. Scared to hurt other people's feelings without them really deserving it. I wish I would just disappear into thin air rather than losing sleep over this matter and waking up to unresolved issues.

If only I'm dealing with a TOTAL jackass. But no, for some reason, I still care.

Words

I searched for an alternative term that would describe how I am feeling right now.



But none of the non-vulgar terms can encapsulate the essence of it.

So.

I am feeling shitty.

Chiobufy

In order to grace this blog with something other than words, I shall post this up:



Welcome to my narcissistic self. (That's not the whole of me, though haha). Of course the first photo I'd post should be that of my face, right? Haha.

FYP again

WELL.

I got some depressing news today. My FYP supervisor told me I can kiss my December holidays goodbye now. At first I was like, you're kidding right? But then it dawned on me that what she's saying makes sense. She explained that the nature of my project needs me to be present all the time once it starts. It would run for a whole year, two semesters, and I can ignore the school break in between already. She said the I need to ensure that the system is running smoothly all the time or else the bacteria will die and I would have inaccurate results. To illustrate, she said something like if I leave, the bacteria will experience something like me being deprived of air.

And some more, she said December is supposedly the most productive month for final year students because there are no classes, which is also the month before our interim presentation for the project.

Wow. I think I myself will die if I don't get to spend Christmas with my family. I've never been away from my family during Christmas. NEVER. When the clock strikes 12, we would always be in our living room, in a circle and holding each other's hands, singing "I love my manita, yes I do!", pray, then exchange gifts afterwards. Please don't tell me I am going to miss that.

No, I am not going to miss that. I don't care if all hell breaks loose or the freaking bacteria would starve to death, but I am spending Christmas with my family.
Even if I'd be there for only three days, which is a far cry from one month I usually spend back home during December.

I don't know if this means I'm also saying goodbye to our church's Global Gathering on the 27th-30th Dec. HAIZ.

Anyway. I am going out with Joseph and others for Mambo Night. I think I should go out and be merry while I still can.

Blessed

I haven't really voiced this out much, but I feel very blessed. Really. For all the opportunities and recent experiences and stuff.

I am also very thankful for the things I usually overlook, like I don't have a headache, toothache, a runny nose, I am not in any physical pain...sheesh I am even thankful I don't have a zit to worry about right at this moment. I mean, I am in good health and so is my family, and I am grateful that we don't have to think about hospital bills and stuff like that.

I have food to eat everyday, nice clothes to wear, a comfortable bed to sleep on at night, etc.

I am given the opportunity to study, and I have a lot of nice things to look forward to after that.

So thank you. Thank you Lord, because right now life is, in general, good. I hope I'd still be grateful even when the going gets tough. You'd still be there right, so yeah, I shan't be paranoid about what is to come and just savor today's blessings.

Sem 7

So now I think I have finalized my semester 7 timetable. I am taking up 6 modules. Woowhew! Let's see, there's my Final Year Project, Design Project, 2 Level 5 modules also being taken up by people pursuing their master's degree, there's one module for my minor, and I've just registered for Chinese 1 (I'm the highest bidder with 1300 points thanks to Wayne's magic tricks).

And I am also working part-time at the Self-access English Learning Facility (SELF) here on campus to save up some funds for my US trip next year. Haha=)

Well, this looks like an overdrive, because normally people in their final year only take up 4 modules per semester to focus on the FYPs I guess.

Anyway. I have valid reasons why I am filling up most of the hours in my weekly schedule. But I hope I do not compromise my sanity.

So help me God.

Letter

Dear God,

Now I kind of understand why my life is complicated. Sorry for putting the blame on you. Life is complicated because I am experiencing the reverberations of the actions I have done in the past. You gave us this gift called free will, and instead of following the guidelines You've set up for us, I ventured out in turbulent waters just for the kicks of it.

You know how I am a rebel sometimes. I think I'm so good and I do what I want. And well, you allow me because I am not a puppet, and because if I were to follow You, You'd want it to be out of love and my own choice, and not because it is mandatory and imposed upon.

But thank you for reaching out every time, for providing ways so I can come back to You. I still can't really comprehend how You can forgive me many times over, and how You love me so much. But thank you.

I am really weak, and many times I have resolved to yielding because I am too tired to fight back and stand up to my non-existent convictions. But you never give up on me. Never.

Thank you for giving me another chance to follow You. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to. This is all a blessing in disguise after all.

Love,
Korinna

FYP etc

I just came back from my little discussion with my FYP (final year project) supervisor. I am actually happy he is my supervisor because even though he is smart and has all these credentials, he still falls within the range of normal human beings, you know, those who posses the ability to laugh and tell jokes and stuff.

I remember my mother's friend, who is also a highly esteemed member of the faculty at a university in Taiwan. She was telling us about a certain convention she attended and they were discussing about something very technical like high efficiency propulsion system for launching a projectile -or whatever-...then she told us all the while she was thinking why can't they just discuss about sex. Hahahahaha I really burst out laughing, then my mother had to hush her because a kid was around. And she was pertaining to me.

Okay another sidetrack, when I was in the US, we ate buffet at this restaurant. When the bill came, I was charged half-price because they took me as a kid.

I AM 21 you know, NOT 12!!! I could have already gotten married at Las Vegas if I wanted to muahahahahaa. But of course I didn't, because I still have one more year to go in university, which brings me back again to my first topic - FYP.

So. I am actually excited in this whole final year project thing. I know there would be a lot of challenges along the way. There would be times when I'd be deprived of sleep, or time for doing things that fall under the 'leisure' category...which would eventually lead to a social life that's non-existent. There'd be a lot of whining. There'd be shedding of tears, sweat, or even blood. There'd be madness and wishing for death to come. But it's only for one year, and it'd be over before I know it. Then there'd be exhilaration and self-fulfillment and euphoria. Yes, I'm expecting to experience the extremes because I want to do really good. I want to do great. You know, finish with flying colors and all that cliche (at least for my FYP, because that's too much wishful thinking if I say I'd graduate with flying colors because of the way our grading system is structured).

My last two years in high school was also spent doing something very similar. We plainly call it Research. My project title sounded even more complicated then - Coconut water as mycelial growth enhancer for Volvariella volvacea (paddy straw mushroom) - as opposed to my FYP entitled Biological activated carbon for removal of organics.

It was laborious, and honestly until now I still cannot believe my groupmates and I have this hardbound copy of our research sitting pretty on a shelf at the library in Pisay Davao. For two years my weekends (as other people know it) were gone, and computers and lab facilities became my buddies. I remember one Sunday afternoon at our home, as I was hauling my ass off to go back to Davao, my face was concurrently streaming with tears and I was hugging my mother and telling her I wanted to die already because of too much stress.

Anyway. I SURVIVED!!! Woohoo!!! Thank you God.

And some more, all our hard work paid off because we even got an award at the science fair in school. Woohoo again.

So now I am intending to have a repeat performance. Or make it even better.

My supervisor also gave me a reality check, because I asked him some advice about pursuing further studies. Then of course he emphasized good grades, like I don't already know hmpf.

I mean, sheesh, getting a headstart in life will be so much easier with remarkable grades, in a sense that you already have a passport to good scholarships or good jobs. A lot of opportunities would come knocking on your door, and your biggest problem would be confusion as to which one to choose. Of course there are remarkable people who make it in life without proper education, but they are the exception rather than the rule. They are the anomalies. They had to go through a lot of things to prove their worth, because whether we like it or not, the way the world sees a recent graduate's worth first and foremost is through his/her grades in school.

I know what I'm talking about, because I can see a vast difference in the way opportunities present themselves when I was still an exemplary student then, and a mediocre student now. Having graduated 4th out of 90 in my cohort gave me access to the conveniences and high standards of a first world country which I would never have known existed. I could have gone to any school I wanted to back home, but I was blessed with an even greater opportunity here in Singapore.

But now, if I want to apply for this or for that, they reject me because they look at my grades first, and so I don't even have the chance to show them what else I can offer.

Yeah it's not all about grades, they are not the most important things in life, but no one can deny that THEY DO MATTER. A LOT.

Anyhoo, I am just getting in touch with some sense of realism since I am going out in the real world very soon.

Whew, that was a mouthful. Actually I am just killing some time before going to dinner with Rovin, Maybeline, Robinson, and who else??

cheerios.

Fatso

Since I came back, I've only been eating once or twice a day. Maybe I am just - okay I hate to use this word to describe myself, but that's the most appropriate term for now - lazy. You know, to walk 1 million kilometers to Canteen 2 to get my food because the nearest canteen is being renovated. But I think the main reason is to get off the noticeable amount of excess fat I have accumulated from my US stint this summer. Of course, everyday buffet meals, how not to get fat mah??? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner - food galore. Plus unlimited ice cream. Please tell me how I am supposed to stay away from food heaven.

Actually now I have already shrunk to almost the same size when I left. People should have seen me like, weeks ago, when the profile view of my tummy has the same width as its front view before I left, and my tummy is jutting out more than my *.

Anyway. Warning, cryptic language alert.

Things have changed. Last time I seemed so sure because I made myself believe what I wanted to believe. I thought it was a bold move for me to go after what I want, even if I already had an idea that what I'm going for isn't entirely right. It was thrilling and exciting, and I had high hopes that that dream would substantiate into something real, almost tangible. But all I did was to reduce something venerated into something cheeky, superficial, and immature. I still would have gone on with this if not for what I now call my sweetest downfall. Now I understand why certain things in the past had to happen even if they hurt - to prepare me for this. To help me discern what is real and what is not.

These past few months I've been sooooo unlike me, but maybe I just didn't know myself that well yet. I've made shocking discoveries of what I'm capable of, and of those things that I'm not.

Right now I'm still waiting, but this time I'm pretty sure deep down in my heart that I'm not waiting in vain.

SO ANYWAY.

My Final Year Project is entitled........ *drumrolls*.........while I go and check my NUS mail again coz I forgot the title.

Biological activated carbon for removal of organics

I think I have regained my interest for environmental engineering. Actually, I think I have regained my interest for engineering in general, and that I am even thinking of further studies in engineering and finding a related job afterwards.

Woah, I really surprised myself you know.

Coz I looked left and right, front and back, and I realized that the only person telling me that I cannot do it is myself. Yep, and that can be easily changed.

Engineering. It came to a point that I had unadulterated loathing for it, but I can't also stand not having it around. I crave for the challenge it gives me, and the sense of empowerment when I overcome its many obstacles.

Woohoo is all I can say. =)